..start again, again..

Well it’s been a while, a long while since I wrote anything for my own enjoyment.

Lots of reasons I guess, I am always on the computer for work which makes me have little to no desire to spend anytime here at home. I’m generally swamped with homework. I am zipping back and forth with my daughter to her various activities. Yada, Yada, Yada.

Lot’s of things have changed in the year or so since I last wrote. I don’t really know what happened other than my life sort of fell apart. I began to get comfortable treading water. I made a lot of progress in my work. That took up a lot of time. I think pretty much that was the main thing that I was focusing on this last 8 months. Trying to get into a position that would mean stability for me and my kids.

Life’s still a mess though. My son moved out at the beginning of Janruary, some days are harder than others in that regard. It’s been just a month, and he is all ready slipping away.

Parental Alienation.

My ex called Child services on my twice in the last 6 months. Both times, obviously I was found to be accused falsely. DH went to DD’s school and fained concern there as well. I am a regular volunteer over there, they know me well enough to know that was also false. Then over Christmas break, my son decided it would be better for him to live with his Dad. And here we are.

I am sad, sad because I don’t think the reason for his moving was a good one. My ex kept the house in our divorce, kept the toys, kept all of everything. He has since bought a Harley and is so stinken mean about any financial support he is forced to pay. Even after a court mandate, he STILL doesn’t pay Child Support and I think the main reason why he wants the kids is so legally he doesn’t have to pay. I am struggling financially. Even when I pretend I am not. My job doesn’t pay enough and the dd’s activities are expensive. In order for me to take her to the activities I can’t work in the afternoon, and if I don’t work in the afternoon, I will never get ahead finically. We are constantly in a place where we just have enough. It’s so frustrating. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

Two nights ago on the phone, Ds said – “Mom, why don’t you just quit school? It’s such a waste of your time. You have to do all this work for what? What kind of job is it to be a Youth Minister. You are wasting your time. You should just get a job at Walmart. That would be better for you.” I was like, what on earth was that about? Why did you say that? HE couldn’t answer. He just said I don’t know.

My ex constantly even still, puts me down, “oh you are so selfish working on a career when you should be focusing on your kids! Oh that’s not a job, you run a youth group haha, get a real job and they see how hard it is. Oh why are you always going away for school? You are so selfish lying to your kids and going out!”

Like seriously? I like my job, no it doesn’t pay a lot but it’s enough to cover most of our bills and provide food and the enrolments for dd’s activities. I drive a good sturdy vehicle, we always have enough to eat. Our home is warm and clean and filled with clean clothes. I am able to be home with my girl after school, I can take her my self to all of her activities. I can take her to the extra things like swimming with her friends. I can come in to school and volunteer when it’s needed in her classroom, I can help coach Basketball which is really fun.

I have been offered three significantly higher paying jobs in my field because I am good at what I do, which I turned down because I want to keep the stability here for the kids.

What a terribly demeaning thing to say to me. From both of them.

I never talk about Dh negatively, nor put him down in anyway. I wish he would show me the same curtious behaviour . There is no reason why he needs to put me down in order to look like the better parent. It’s not a competition. He is hurting them, and they don’t even realize it yet. It makes my heart break.

I am struggling with something else – totally unrelated…

I am not physically active anymore either. I have always run to let off steam. Just another bit of bad luck, but I hurt my back last year and well I guess it’s just worse. I can move but it’s very limited and there isn’t a day that I am not in pain. That’s tiring.

Now with those adversities, this is what my life looks like.

I am raising my daughter the very best I can, even though she desperately wants to live with her Dad. Not because I am not a good Mom or anything like that. It’s because Dh has complained about missing her so much, told her of his ‘kidney failure’, that he is sick with high blood pressure and can’t remember to take his medication because there is no one to remind him. She want’s to live there because DH is encouraging ONE friendship. This friend, this girl is into drugs and drinking at 13 and comes from a very screwed up family, she likes DD only when it’s convenient to her and it’s so blindingly bad for my daughter. YET. DD won’t make friends here very easily, she is quiet and hesitant to jump in. (mostly because she tells me that she is moving away anyhow so why would she want to do that!) This has been going on for two years.

Gosh today I am frustrated. I feel this crazy pressure and it’s suffocating me. I am trying to find my way and it’s really hard.

I get so much praise from people around me, like thankful praise for all the help I give the the various kids I minister to. And I sit there listening thinking what a fraud. I am such a fraud. My life is a huge mess. So where do I get off helping others with theirs I sure don’t have all the answers. I just want to scream.

I am so out of shape It’s killing my spirit. 😦 I need some motivation, some passion, I need something to be passionate about that gives me my fire back! My Muchness!

I can’t keep fighting without refilling. It’s making me into someone I don’t like at all. Someone frail. I can’t be her. I just can’t.

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