Happy Monday. It’s what I am saying to myself in the off chance that I may actually feel it at some point. I just spent the last half an hour reading some travel journals on a National Geographic website. I admit that made me feel a little bit happy. Machu Pitchu, You will be mine!
I am not out side at the moment because I have a sickly here today, my son whom had just spent the weekend with his father, spent it very, very sick. I found that hard, not being there. Well I guess at least he had his grandma to care for him, and she did all the right things actually above and beyond my expectations.
I am having mixed emotions about all of that, this weekend and the kids being away. I have been very conscience of what I have been saying and more importantly NOT saying. My DD has been talking NON-STOP about EX’s new girlfriend. Only, my DD says she is not Dad’s girlfriend; she just needs to stay there for a little while because she has mean parents. That might sound like a weird thing to say, but the girlfriend is only 19… Not even twenty as I originally thought. Ewwwww right. He’s old. So they are in the phase where the girlfriend is really being nice to my Dd to gain the approval of my Ex but also to win over my DD. I feel frustrated because they are all such a bunch of liars and I hate that another woman is getting close to my kids. She is doing crafts and buying Dd things. It’s kinda freaking me out, because I don’t want this new GF to try and be all mommy replacement. She is soooo young. Actually to be perfectly honest, it scares me. I don’t want to lose my DD and it’s already such a struggle. My Ex and his whole family dote on Dd, they treat her like she is five rather than eleven so I am constantly encouraging her to be responsible, to act age appropriate not in her play time, but in her daily interactions, to talk and act appropriate to her actual maturity level.. Gosh then we have a weekend like the last one and Dd plays right into it. She loves it.
There are so many more things to worry about there. Ex is getting in so much deeper his “friends”. I mean I get it, to any girl with Daddy issues and a self esteem problem, EX is a great solution, and he has this weird air of super confidence that is reassuring… Trust me I get it. But in the real world, that’s not charming… Bad boys are not the ones you want to marry; they are not the ones you want to share kids with… It’s often really embarrassing. So she the GF is getting treated like this really important object, going out for meals constantly, being around all these ‘scary’ people… she likes to party, I heard that already, and why not. Easy Peasy.
Gosh, I feel such a sense of unease. I wish so whole heartedly that I didn’t have to share my kids with such a sociopath. I wish that I never had to ever see or hear from him again. The scary thing there too, is he feels the same way. He is crazy and I have not one thing in common with him, we are like strangers. I tried to ask him over the weekend for updates on Ds (my son) and he wouldn’t even give them to me, he simply said I got it; I am taking care of it.
That’s one of the reasons I took off this weekend. I need to do it when they are away I would go crazy if I had to stay home alone when I can’t even really talk with my kids. I know this is probably not healthy the way I am so wrapped up into my role as a Mom. I’ll address it fully, but not yet. I will slowly learn about me, but slowly on my own time.
I want to be there for them, to teach them, to help them feel secure, to help them grow and mature… I know it’s so ridiculously hard doing it alone, but well… sic vita EST.
Sheeesh I really feel like oh I don’t know, frustrated I guess. I hate not being in control. I feel like there are way too many things out of my control at the moment. I think I am going to vent for a second.
WARNING- TURN BACK NOW IF YOU DON”T WANT TO READ INCESSANT WHINING.
I am so angry with M&G; they are so manipulative it grates on my nerve soooo freaking bad. They are telling everyone that I resigned that I didn’t want to work with the youth anymore and now they are just in their seventh heaven with all there new ideas. Like frick, how much else should I have handled it? I really didn’t like working with M; at the end she was emailing me bullshit stuff like, why are you so defensive?? This came after I bitched her out for cutting me out of plans and going around me for youth related stuff as well as the prep for one of my seniors that is being baptized soon. It’s freaking nuts, and she actually has the gall to lie to my face, saying… Oh I don’t know what you are talking about and I think it’s all in your head we are not trying to cut you out… Yeah right! Jerk. If I would have been able to move back to Port I would have had no trouble putting her in her place but knowing that I have to stay here, I just gave in. She can win, I resigned. BUT YOU Beep IT WASN’T CAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WORK WITH THE YOUTH.
Then well you already know all about the stuff with EX. He’s an idiot, but a smart and cruel and capable one that scares the hell out of me.
Well the last frustrating thing is my job here. I HATE working here, not because I hate my job, I love the kids and I love what I do.. but I HATE working for my boss. He makes me feel so uncomfortable and I feel like I have to stay and be uncomfortable because I need the job. Well that makes me feel a bit like I don’t know, just uncomfortable. Man I think I know how woman in the 50′s and 60′s must have felt being harassed all the freakin time. The only thing he isn’t openly doing ANYTHING except being really nice to me now, but the only damn reason he is being so nice is because he knows I am not doing anything ‘inappropriate’, according to him; like seeing anyone, or going out much, or having a social life out side of the church. As soon as he noticed that, he started being all nice again. So I’m like- hanging in the balance. If he is thinking I am being ‘good‘ then my job is cake, if he feels like I am straying off the ‘path‘ my job is in jeopardy. This is no different than my marriage; it’s just got different scenery. WTF!
I stopped writing for awhile and went down stairs and mopped my floors and organized some stuff, lol purging my house it makes me feel in control and a bit better over all. I will write about my weekend in a different post this one is all negative