..I am listening..

I think I am going to pay closer attention to the little coincidental things that happen to me, they really do seem to happen quite often. The messages I receive, the encouragements, I am going to write about them and tuck them away under a heading such as… I am listening??!

I had a Youth retreat this weekend, at first I thought it was going to be abysmal, considering how much I have been questioning my own faith lately, how down I have felt in general and how incredibly much I wanted to do nothing more then crawl into the cave and sleep.

What ever else is going on, my body is completely out of whack. I have been tired and hungry and sore and sad, depression most likely, which brings me to a little tangent… I must get outside EACH and EVERYDAY for a good walk. That will help, and I must also work on my self control… I have been eating for two and there is only one of me.

So the retreat, I planned it -the whole thing. I led it too, I delegated the cooking/meals, I brought in guest speakers and an extra confessor but over all it was my first go at setting up and implementing a retreat.

I was so totally amazed at how well the whole thing went. But and I say this BUT with passion… I one hundred percent do not think it was me that made this as successful as it was. It was like I was the marionette… and the Holy Spirit was holding the strings… sooooo many things, little things mind you happend to make everything fit… perfectly… God’s perfectly, not humanities.

By the end of the weekend I felt for the first time in a long time, that sense of hope and joy and peace that only can be felt while resting in God affection. I allowed it, I opened my heart and tore down the barriers and allowed my self to be loved.

God knew lately that I was in a state of turmoil so he was using the people around me to lift me up, the messages and phone calls I have received lately encouraging me, the random people in my life lifting me up… I am really thankful, that He did not give up on me. I am struggling, but at least I am bumping along in the right direction again.

Today’s theme is Hope. I guess anyway. I was downstairs watching TV and the remote was under my leg and all of a sudden the channels were flicking and then it randomly stopped on 100 Huntley Street which is a Protestant sect Christian television show. I am not against protestants at all, I love all Christians and people for that matter the same, which I know makes me odd as a catholic but what ever… Hello… Jesus was the very first revolutionary… He loved everyone always seeking out the ‘different” the prostitutes, tax collectors, the lepers… I love that!!!!

Anyway the message on the TV was all about Hope. Coincidence I think not. The day before yesterday, I saw something else too that was really important in the grand scheme of my life right now. Lots and lots and lots of things lately have been going wrong. I am probably depressed at least partially because of all that has been piling up and going wrong… well I was watching the Passion and it was emotional, very. I saw something different this time; I really noticed the relationship between Mary and her son, between John and Jesus, and even Mary Magdalene and Mary. It spokes soo loudly to me, watching them suffer in union with Christ. It really struck me; how Satan was there ever step of the way tempting Jesus, temptation Mary… and it occured to me in a way that I never actually understood before… This is the way it is. This has all been down before. Christ was the first, and he persevered so that we know that as lowly as we are, we too can persevere. I think the important thing, to realize is to know… IT’S NOT GOING TO BE EASY. EVER. There will be fleeting moments, happiness and joy, and it’s so important to be thankful for those times. We shant despair, but persevere and trust.

Amazing how much this theme this lesson if you will has been coming to me.

The biggest I think is what I was writing about last week… really being in the hear and now, and secondly… standing on my own, not listening to my friends but understanding what is imporatnt to me, and what I really need and want.

Oh well. That’s life. Messy, messy, life.

So here I am, Monday morning, feeling tired and slightly depressed but filled with Hope. I think that is all the difference. I am happy to be here and thankful for all that is surrounding me. I am going to continue loving my kids, and appreciating all the struggles, I am strong, I am confident, I am not sure where I am going completely but I think its okay. I am going to keep practicing being here and now. Here and right now. Tomorrow will sort it’s self out!


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