..being here..

 

I had a thought while I was driving my son to school this morning, I have a HUGE problem with being here. I mean truly being present in the moment and actually being here in the exact reality as it is. I have for my almost  my entire life, had preconceived notions on how I wanted things to be, and therefore was very often disappointed because those around me, weren’t on the same page and were acting in a way that didn’t fit my notions.

Isn’t that odd?

I have spent so many years acting in that way. I wonder why I see it today. I see that I can not have any relationship with my ex-husband because he is totally toxic to me, is a threat and we undoubtedly bring out the VERY worst in each other. Our last conversation had an actual threat to my person and I wished upon him death. That’s pretty seriously eefed up I’d say.

So throwing aside that things, “should” be nice between us, I should have him for dinner and we should have nice conversations and work together to sort out the kids, the REALITY is… he undermines and belittles everything I do as a mother, supports NOTHING, won’t help financially and is only looking out for his pride and ego and will do anything to win, via me losing control or becoming depressed and failing in some capacity as a mother.. be damned the kids.

So. From here on out, I see that. I will remind myself of that, and do what is best for me and my kids… I am raising them right now, and I’ll be doing my best to do a good job. I will halt ALL communication including txt messages from him and allow my mom to be our middle person. Our kids are old enough, I don’t need him, and he is more trouble than his ‘help’ is worth. I am a darn good mother and he can’t take that away from me, and though I am not perfect by any means… I am going to keep trying and stay strong!

I know a thing or two about teen agers, I will do alright. I know he is going to make things more difficult than they have to be, but THAT IS THE REALITY. So I must face and accept that to be true.

I am going to put away some laundry, it’s Monday kinda my day off but… I am behind in my work so I’ll be going in this afternoon… Man oh man I hope I can get a different job and SOON.

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