I am thinking about getting a tattoo. I kinda want to do it, but I want to do it because of the experience of doing it. Does that make sense?
I have really just had the oddest week. Its spring break and I am on the cusp of my life really falling apart. I am acting, doing and saying things that are foreign to me as if I am engaged in some inner battle that has taken over my being and I am merely along for the drive.
My children are in another town with their father for the holiday, I am losing my job, my house is being sold, I hate where I live, my kids are struggling in school and my ex plead guilty to an assault charge that the crown had proceeded with on my behalf, and received a 6 month probation. That’s it.
I am in the middle of a storm.
Ironically, the day that I had to leave my children with their father was also my daughter’s birthday, she just turned eleven. It was a hard day and I knew being alone in my house was not a healthy option for me. So I left drove 3.5 hours and went surfing. If I have to be in this storm, I decided it will be on my terms, clothed in a wetsuit, tethered to a 9ft long board.
Distractions, that’s what this week has been all about. I surfed and I hiked and I walked and I slept on a rock. I ate great food, drank too much, and enjoyed the company of strangers. I have been in contemplation mode, trying to puzzle through the qualms of my daily woe.
Today I am nearing the end, I am almost there, in a matter of fifteen hours I’ll be driving to pick up my two lovely’s. I can’t wait.
I am still thinking about that tattoo… I want to do it, for me. I want to show in a visible way that I am in control of my own life. I want to experience the pain of the needle on my terms, I want to ink a tree, symbolizing my life and the newness in which I am experiencing, the vitality that even through the darkness is going to be renewed, I want to have delicate cherry blossoms because they are the most like me, beautiful and graceful and feminine, I want small wilted Ulysses butterfly to represent the past that no longer claims me, I want to have two elegant dragonflies that represent my two children, I want the inscription.. Be still and know that I am God.. Only with God I am in charge. only with God I am in control, only with God I can be the driving force and that’s Sic vita Est.