..being here..

 

I had a thought while I was driving my son to school this morning, I have a HUGE problem with being here. I mean truly being present in the moment and actually being here in the exact reality as it is. I have for my almost  my entire life, had preconceived notions on how I wanted things to be, and therefore was very often disappointed because those around me, weren’t on the same page and were acting in a way that didn’t fit my notions.

Isn’t that odd?

I have spent so many years acting in that way. I wonder why I see it today. I see that I can not have any relationship with my ex-husband because he is totally toxic to me, is a threat and we undoubtedly bring out the VERY worst in each other. Our last conversation had an actual threat to my person and I wished upon him death. That’s pretty seriously eefed up I’d say.

So throwing aside that things, “should” be nice between us, I should have him for dinner and we should have nice conversations and work together to sort out the kids, the REALITY is… he undermines and belittles everything I do as a mother, supports NOTHING, won’t help financially and is only looking out for his pride and ego and will do anything to win, via me losing control or becoming depressed and failing in some capacity as a mother.. be damned the kids.

So. From here on out, I see that. I will remind myself of that, and do what is best for me and my kids… I am raising them right now, and I’ll be doing my best to do a good job. I will halt ALL communication including txt messages from him and allow my mom to be our middle person. Our kids are old enough, I don’t need him, and he is more trouble than his ‘help’ is worth. I am a darn good mother and he can’t take that away from me, and though I am not perfect by any means… I am going to keep trying and stay strong!

I know a thing or two about teen agers, I will do alright. I know he is going to make things more difficult than they have to be, but THAT IS THE REALITY. So I must face and accept that to be true.

I am going to put away some laundry, it’s Monday kinda my day off but… I am behind in my work so I’ll be going in this afternoon… Man oh man I hope I can get a different job and SOON.

..cherry blossoms..

I am thinking about getting a tattoo. I kinda want to do it, but I want to do it because of the experience of doing it. Does that make sense?

I have really just had the oddest week. Its spring break and I am on the cusp of my life really falling apart. I am acting, doing and saying things that are foreign to me as if I am engaged in some inner battle that has taken over my being and I am merely along for the drive.

My children are in another town with their father for the holiday, I am losing my job, my house is being sold, I hate where I live, my kids are struggling in school and my ex plead guilty to an assault charge that the crown had proceeded with on my behalf, and received a 6 month probation. That’s it.

I am in the middle of a storm.

Ironically, the day that I had to leave my children with their father was also my daughter’s birthday, she just turned eleven. It was a hard day and I knew being alone in my house was not a healthy option for me. So I left drove 3.5 hours and went surfing. If I have to be in this storm, I decided it will be on my terms, clothed in a wetsuit, tethered to a 9ft long board.

Distractions, that’s what this week has been all about. I surfed and I hiked and I walked and I slept on a rock. I ate great food, drank too much, and enjoyed the company of strangers. I have been in contemplation mode, trying to puzzle through the qualms of my daily woe.

Today I am nearing the end, I am almost there, in a matter of fifteen hours I’ll be driving to pick up my two lovely’s. I can’t wait.

I am still thinking about that tattoo… I want to do it, for me. I want to show in a visible way that I am in control of my own life. I want to experience the pain of the needle on my terms, I want to ink a tree, symbolizing my life and the newness in which I am experiencing, the vitality that even through the darkness is going to be renewed, I want to have delicate cherry blossoms because they are the most like me, beautiful and graceful and feminine, I want small wilted Ulysses butterfly to represent the past that no longer claims me, I want to have two elegant dragonflies that represent my two children, I want the inscription.. Be still and know that I am God.. Only with God I am in charge. only with God I am in control, only with God I can be the driving force and that’s Sic vita Est.

..alls well that ends well..

This post is really why I am writing again, or part of the reason why, about two weeks ago; literally my life fell apart…

I found out that my job is ending at the end of June, I found out I will be having to move, I found out my Ex got a slap on the wrist after breaking several of my ribs and putting me in the hospital, I had been dealing with about 6 weeks of pressure from the same Ex that finally came to a head when I talked to my lawyer, My whole life just kinda started to crumble.. I was drowning… long winters… they are VERY hard for me in the best of circumstance…

Today wasn’t such a good day. I was worrying and sick for most of it. It was a school day so I did have the day to my self but for whatever reason I have been feeling really bad. All day I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I wasn’t able to do it though… i kept getting phone calls, first my favorite aunt called, then my best friend then my other best friend. Why am I in angst?