Today, yesterday, the day before and probably even tomorrow have been for me a succession of sameness kind of days. I am like Alice- lost in wonderland. The constant panic of where am I going and I am going to be late always with me. I have no idea who I am but I am starting to know a little better who I am not. That’s progress.
My kids are home, thank you Lord. So far so good too, their attitudes haven’t been so over the top as they can sometimes be when they come home. Tomorrow is labor day, the official last day of summer. I think it will be raining, but truthfully I don’t care anymore. I am just fine with a little September rain. I welcome it actually.
I like this song. It’s sort of epic.
September.. November. Whatever :p
I don’t know what happened, but it’s left me the darkness that was consuming me piece by broken piece in the last few days. I resigned. Yesterday I resigned and then consolation came at me in the strangest most powerful way. It’s like my answer came. My entire body is at peace, my mind, my heart. I know there are struggles a head but somehow I don’t feel the uncertainty that was plaguing me before.
Yesterday I felt terrible all day, so in the middle of the day I decided I would go for a walk, a hike really when I got off work. I did just that, I called a friend to come but she was busy, I called two actually but both were busy so I even called Fr. as well but he couldn’t come either. SO I picked up some sushi to go, grabbed my rosary and prayer book and went searching for peace.
When I arrived the sun was low already so I head outed immediatly, once I got into the trail I started talking, like talkingout loud having a conversation with Mary. I was completely alone in the middle of the woods, so I poured out my heart. Then I began my rosary. I sat for awhile on this bridge by an actual babbling brook.. it was soo soothing. I asked Mary to help me find my way out of this mess, to help me strengthen my faith, to help me know the Fathers will for my life and especially to bring my pleas for forgiveness to her son.
I walked on and on, silently. I stopped to listen on several occasions. Listen inwardly, not externally. As my hike was nearing an end it was steadily getting dark, I’d say twilight even I came upon a doe with her two fawns. This years babies for sure they still had their spots. So as I really wasn’t in a rush, I sat down and watched them frolicking in the meadow, they were playing waiting for their mother.. They were no more than 10 feet from me it was such a treat.. Then as I sat so still there these birds started hopping over.. I had to think of St Francis.. And the peace. I prayed a decade of the rosary as I sat and watched.. it was an amazing experience.
I left eventually, and silently drove home.. I felt so much more resigned about My life and about my past even.
I know what happened happened. I will not be defined by it any longer. It was a poor start to life, filled with mistakes. I feel blessed now though, I feel that I have been called by Jesus himself, called back from the darkness to something better. His way.
What makes me so special? There are so many saints that started poorly, St Paul, St Augustine, St Mary Magdalen.. The list is long. Jesus doesn’t turn his back even on the lowest, He will not turn his back on me.
HE changed my life. He taught me about true beauty and dignity and love. HE loves me all of me including my faults.
He is so patient with me.
Together we can conquer the rest. HE was sent to walk with me, through this rocky part in my life. Not to carry me, but to walk with me beside me. He is here to transition with me. He will always be here. I am so blessed. God is so good.
Thank you Lord for not abandoning me in my wretchedness but for pitting my nothingness.