..day of birth..

Today I am 3o. Amazing how fast last year went by. There have been so many changes this year, it’s almost hard to wrap my head around the whole thing.

I am not having a great day, I just finished a fairly incredible crying spree. More like uncontrolled sobbing actually. My heart is more than slightly battered today. I feel lost.

I left my husband, for lots of reasons. He was mean to me, he doesn’t love me and probably never did, he was controlling in our marriage, we had lots of little issues too. Aside from that, we simply grew apart. We met so young, started our family so young. I was a mess when he came into my life, I didn’t know my self let alone have any respect for my life, or for anything really. I was lost then too I guess.

In our relationship nothing came easy, everything had a price tag. It was a lot of tough years, fake years, unhappy years..

I left him finally and even though I am doing all the right things, I am still being stung. I can’t tell what I am supposed to be doing anymore. I am slipping again into a depression I think. I shouldn’t be I have all the goodness around me I am exercising, eating decently, working, taking care of my kids..

But despite my best intentions, I am still the loser. Dh is a liar. He has no conscience. He tells me one thing and does another all the time and now my son seems to be following in his footsteps.

I can parent him alone, that boy whom I love so much, doesn’t respect me at all. It hurts far worse than anything Dh could ever have done. I have always tried so hard to protect him from life’s traumas. And now, now what? HE hates me. He laughs at me behind my back to his Dad because I can’t make him do anything, he lies to me in my eye and generally does not care. He laughs. HE pushes, He makes fun of me behind my back. I honestly do not know what to do. I am simply trying to live my life, to be good. & to be kind.

Dh keeps winning. He is taking everything from me. He has hurt every piece of me. I never thought a different life was possible. Now, when I have seen another way, everything else falls apart.

I can’t raise my kids alone, it isn’t meant to be. They need male guidance, strong male guidance. Good positive Christian influence. I am scared that they are going to get so lost in the world. I feel so sick again. I feel so alone again. I have no idea what to do about all of this.

Ds just came in here. HE called me EMO. He hates that I am crying and said that I have no confidence. He wants to live with his Dad. What is the point of all of this, if is just going to end up this way?

Why do I keep failing. I feel defeated. WHY. I am failing as a Mom, I failed as a married person, I failed as a pure individual, I failed as a sister.. Does everyone fail this much? If my intentions are truly good, why is it so hard to make these things true.

Maybe I put to much pressure on myself to be holy. I am so far from perfect that each time I fail I feel bad internally. Maybe I should just give up for a while and stop judging myself. Maybe I should let Ds live with his dad and allow myself the simple pleasures I crave.. Maybe if I wasn’t such a goodie, I’d not have the outrageous struggle I normally do. I don’t know anyone that faces these things so often.

I don’t want to be EMO, I want to be light and friendly and happy.

I am so lost.

..don’t blink..

Wow, it’s been almost a month since I last felt compelled to write.

I have been working kind of hard lately, I am finally starting to feel more like myself too. Not quite as tired as I was at first. I was diagnosed with Mono on the August long weekend, so this month has been a supreme effort. I was feeling slightly discouraged too, going to work each day. Dd was so unhappy, she and Ds were fighting like mad and over all it was so hard to simply get from A to B.

I made a decision and told the kids what I was doing for work. I had previously withheld the info because of DH and his mother. I was scared that she might pull another scam like she did with my last boss. She actually went in there and spent two hours trying to discredit me. Lies, lots and lots of lies. I told them too, because I had an opportunity to see them each day while I was working and if I told them they might not be so upset that I was away all day. Now they come to see me each day, while I am at the park. It’s a really good arrangement. Dd is much happier.

Today and yesterday my Mom whom normally comes to look after the kids while I work was away, and last night my kids finally discovered something cool to do, they spent all day today bike riding. Independently. I am so proud of them both. They are being safe and are wearing the right gear, just over being responsible.

Ahh I feel like there are spiders crawling on me, I am creeped out. YUCK.

I think I could sleep now~ 4 more days till my birthday ❤