Dh and I are absolute polar opposites. He is mean and cruel and most likely a sociopath. I on the other hand am gentle and giving, kind and filled with love. Alot of my personality was formed in relation to his disturbed method, all my adult life has be spent under his tutelage. He formed and shaped me until I was a mear shell of my former immature self. He worked and manipulated until my exterior resembled the image he had in mind, Not me, Not even God.. HIM.
Now what? Inevitably I grew up over the years but what is completely obvious is that my growth has been stunted. I grew in a slower progression. In the end it was a lot of prayer that helped me break open the scared and tattered ‘shell’ that held me together. Now as the pieces of my old self are chipped away I am left with a new very fragile shell, one that is easily penetrated, with out much protection. My new shell will take years of care to be fully restored.
I accept that. I pray everyday that I learned something in my witness to the hate that prevailed all those years. I am simply trying to stand now. I have crawled away from the madness. I am week, ill prepared and unprotected. But here I stand.
If I step back, I can almost say that this entire ordeal this entire measure of my humanity has been challenged. It’s amazing what we people can do, what we are capable of.
I still hurt, even though I am so blessed in that I KNOW I am surrounded with loving people, loving friends, I still grieve in some strange way over the loss of my broken marriage.
It’s funny, now that I have experienced love, the love of a Father I am absolutely sure I never loved DH, nor had he ever loved me. Well I guess that last part is obvious, but the first I didn’t realize until I opened myself fully to God’s rejuvenating love. I don’t know really. I just know this, I am happy. I am comfortable in my skin, I feel that I matter, that my life has meaning and purpose that I deserve kindness and happiness and peace.
On Monday, the last anniversary I plan to acknowledge with Dh passed. 14 years we had been together. I sort of always kept that anniversary in my heart, our wedding.. well he never really did acknowledged that, I stopped too because I found that if you have to force your husband to be thankful or be happy he married you, don’t bother. I counted this day, because It was the day that marked my commitment to him. On Monday, I felt sad. Not distinctly sad that DH and I are divorced, more that the idea of what I expected my life would be is now over. That made me feel disappointed.
Today, today is Tuesday.. oh go figure. I worked today when I got home I was informed that my kids would be spending the next week with Dh. I have alot more to write but it will have to wait I am FINALLY tired.