I am in a very odd mood right now, like I could go either way between weepy or angry. I have a strange tension running though me that is hard to put my finger on.
This weekend like I said I went camping, I do like it out there, there was fun to be had, my kids where happy, my parents were happy, my grandparents were even happy, but I was nothing. I didn’t feel anything. I simply was just there going though the motions. I swam because they swam, I so thoroughly didn’t want to though, it was soooooooo cold! I took care of my kids, I played their games, I made polite conversation.. I did all the stuff I was supposed to.
A couple things nagged at me though. I don’t like being the singleton over there.. I am like the third wheel. All couples, grandparents, parents, siblings. All married for a long time, all partnered up.. the way it ought to be. Not me though, I had to marry a complete jerk that used me and screwed around and never put me first.
My sister is pregnant. I AM happy for her. I am, I swear. But I am also fiercely jealous. It makes my eyes well up to admit that, but I am. I want life inside of me. I don’t want to be here today. I don’t want to do this alone. I don’t want to be here alone. I am sad I guess. Maybe I am just having an off day. I never was any good at being alone. Why would that magically correct it self simply because I left my husband. It didn’t. It wont.
Last week I started my new job. It’s a position as a Nanny. I have not admitted this to anyone but I REALLY don’t want to do this. I am struggling already with my own kids, and now I am going to be pretending to be all happy and I am going to play with someone else’s? I never was that Mom. I guided and set things up, but I really wasn’t the one on the floor.. I just wasn’t. It’s weird because I sort of always regretted that, I spent so much time when my babies were babies cleaning, trying with all my heart to create perfection, to make Dh happy. I wore my self out. I was then too tired so I often went though the motions, in a haze of depression. It’s how I lived my life for years. I still feel the echos, the remembrances of those days.. They come back in many of the things I do.
Holy Lord.. I can feel where this is going.. Despair. I need reconciliation. I feel very tangibly cut off right now. Temptations have been hitting me randomly lately. This morning I was very tempted to just lay in bed and day dream, I am tempted to do all the things 29 year old single woman do to feel ‘something’. I am tempted to go out with my friends and just not think at all. I am tempted to be jealous, I am tempted to talk about the IL’s because of the party incident this weekend.. I haven’t even mentioned that stupidity yet. I am tempted to be lazy. I am tempted to just give up and fade out. Living a faithful life is hard.
Okay, I am pointing out the negatives, there were some positives too. Obviously. I enjoyed listening to my kids laugh together, I like that they didn’t have their cellphones, I loved watching my 12 pretend and play with his sister.. They were sword fighting with water noodles, they played and played on this old swing that hung near camp in fact my dad had built that very swing nearly 20 years ago and it still works great. It safely works great. I was happy to see my kids interacting with their family, I liked that I got to nap in the sun, in a chair undisturbed. I liked that there was lots of games to play. I liked that my Ds give his sister lots of hugs and even a kiss on the cheek (which made her entire day), I like that Dd and I got to watch the full moon rising, the same full moon we had been watching grow all week.
Hmmm I think I will put some effort into sleeping.