Holy batman, what a roller coaster I have been on the last few days.
I feel terrible. I currently have desidamps (earplugs) in my ears to block out access noise. I have the worst headache EVER. And this is the second day of it. I have felt nauseated for days, and sick. Plain old sick. Tired, like crazy tired. Yesterday I slept alot.
You know, I kind of have these little fantasy’s that all this trauma going on in my body is a baby.
You know, pregnancy related tiredness, sickness, hunger.. Every time I have these little fantasy’s there is always something like oh I don’t know, I might actually need to have sex to have a baby.
I think about a lot of things silly things, things that don’t really matter. Anyway this time I was thinking about it as I was in the shower and I said God, if this is your plan for me, it would be an absolute miracle and I would be so grateful.
I would love any baby that came in to my life -like crazy love it. So what on earth does that mean? I keep telling myself that I’m good. I’m okay with it. I don’t need another family, I don’t want another husband ever, that I am too old to have more kids, that I will make my peace with the fact that my life didn’t go the way I had dreamed that it would. Now I am in such a strange place emotionally.
Oh I don’t know.
I think I am totally PMS. I always go a little nutty at this time of the month, it effects me so harshly both physically and emotionally.
Last night, just to give a small insight to my crazy temper. My kids came home yesterday, I am was so happy to see them but what I met was an ADDITUDE filled Ds and a whiny Dd. They were both being rude to me, rude to each other, they seemed to have left all their manners some place else and wow it was really sad to watch. I don’t know but we certainly got off on the wrong foot.
After dinner I put said foot down, I sat them both on the couch and gave them a VERY STERN what for.
Long story short
they both told me they wanted to live with their dad,
that I am so selfish for making them come here,
that I didn’t even ask them what they wanted,
that I am only looking out for what I am want and
that I am a very selfish mother.
They complained that I didn’t cook them proper meals, and they I spent all my time on the computer. Right there, with those words I saw red. Those are DH’s words, those are the things he used to say to me ALL the time.
I knew they weren’t true. And something inside, maybe a blessing from the Holy Spirit, but something told me to stop talking to them now, and this is not their fault. Quiet gentle mothering. Be like Mary. (with them anyways) because about two seconds after we finished talking and they went out side Dh texted Dd.
I bloody lost my temper. Here is our conversation… oh and just for the record, I NEVER swear, so this was a huge temper loss for me. I knew by me using such vulgar language he would be majorly offended. But nothing he could do to me while I am here and he is there.
Me– can you fucking quit texting her for 5 mins. they don’t have a chance here with all your tricks. fuck off! I hate you dh.
Dh– what tricks? you really are crazy!
Me- yes. so crazy. it’s simply not fair. buy the kids off a little more. great job!
Dh– sure that’s why ds has a long board ask him what I said about it his hat cost 6 bucks and i promised dd that cell phone case along time ago
(BUT he took them to the city, out for dinner and lunch 3-4 times while he had them, took them to the movies, it’s always bought fun with him) (oh and when I picked them up, he didn’t have my money, so he told me to give him, his receipt and he would put it into my account that night, he told the kids I would take them all – my two plus ds’s friend that is staying with us out for lunch, well dick head since you didn’t pay me I had 9 dollars in my account only. I got paid yesterday but since he picked up my paycheck it was still a check, no use to me at that moment, then he said loudly in front of the kids, you probably don’t have any money, here I will give you some I have lots in my wallet, you can take it to get them lunch. I don’t know why, pride I guess, but I told him politely no thanks. I could get them something myself, he was laughing at me. AND a day later he still didn’t give me my payment. Now that he has my receipt he probably won’t either. So I guess I am out half my child support this month. What a total dick. )
Here are the rest of the texts, I didn’t send anymore but he did.
DH- it’s funny how you feel hatred towards me I don’t feel nothing towards you. I just want my stuff that you took that doesn’t belong to you I just want to get away from you
(okay what is that about? I didn’t take anything that was his, I gave him back our crucifix, I really wanted it, but he asked for it so I gave it to him back. He took all my jewelry already, I have nothing valuable left. I took the kids bedroom stuff, one dresser from our set, I got my own bed, I took half the kitchen stuff, I left all the appliances, I took the two couches and the TV.) He is living in our house, trying to right now force me to sign it over to him, he wants me to sign over the ski boat, the trailer and his 80000.00 truck! Like wow, I am driving a 12 year old piece of junk neon that brakes down every other week and he is complaining that I have his stuff???)
DH– look at their texts and u can see how long our conversations lasted for, I don’t know why your so concerned. Have some confidence, Holy.
Yes and do you want to know what he says to them? I miss you sooo much already, what am I going to do with out you? I love you, blah blah blah.. His texts make Dd feel guilty for being here.
I never do that to her.
To Ds it’s all Hi Noob, acting all BFF with him. I never let Ds talk to me that way, and with Dh he acts like his best friend, they joke around like brothers not adult father and 12 year old son. Dh lets Ds drink Monsters(energy drinks) watch movies with boobs in them, they stay up late and sleep in till noon!! I am sorry but that is so inappropriate I can’t even begin to go there. It just makes me soooooo angry.
How will our kids succeed with such inconsistent parenting. Dh is a total loser. I can not believe we were together for 14 years. On the 26th of this month it would have been 14 years together, on the 23 of this months it would have been our 11th wedding anniversary. He is PURE evil. What a mess.
I feel like I am losing my kids to get away from him, he has spent all this time hurting me, cheating repeatedly, emotionally abusing, verbally abusing, physically abusing, controlling, hurting, hurting, hurting, when will he ever stop. It’s just too much. Why is it so unfair? How can he so quickly drop the act, he can’t stop lying. He maybe never ever did love me, but he should at least acknowledge all that I did for our family, how hard I worked to keep us together. It’s makes me so sad. Such a waste.
I am in such a crappy mood today. I know I am not pregnant, it’s just PMS. (Even though sometimes I wish so much, to have life inside of me, it’s not worth it though, I will never ever get married again.) But does it ever suck. Such an empty feeling.
I am going to try and enjoy the day. I am going to take my kids hiking. My headache is lessening and it’s completely beautiful outside… Ces’t la vie.