I think I am panicking. My head feels all swirly, my mouth is all tingly, I’m out of sync with the world today. I can’t concentrate, my tummy keeps turning, I feel nauseous. What the heck.

I know this move is meant to be. I was going through my journals as I was packing. I picked up three different ones, ands read entries one from 1999, one from 2005 and one from 2007. Dh was bloody mean, cruel mean. I did love him back then, desperately. It was very disheartening reading what I wrote.

On a side note, I have a near perfect record of recorded life from the time I was 17. I burned the ones prior. I think I started to journal when I was 11 or 12 and have just never stopped. Man what I wouldn’t give to have those teenager year-ed ones now…

Anyway. We are moving tomorrow at 830 am. We have already filled one truck, and will continue tomorrow. This is the last night in my house. My first house, the first place I actually felt at home. One that I really loved at least in the beginning. It was a prestige thing, 4000 sq feet of ‘perfect family’ dwelling. What a load of garbage. Now I will move into 1200 sq feet of reality, peace and hard work. Here I am a trophy wife, never doing more than ‘volunteering’. Shopping like a mad person, lunching, working out, driving to football, baking cookies for bake sales.. It was a very charmed, and a VERY EMPTY life. My husband used me, according to how he saw fit. He had many other woman, and it doesn’t make me feel better any more that he married me so I should feel special. No damn it. That is not good enough.

Today I walk away from my pretend perfect life for something else, something unknown, something that possibly may take my breath away, that may bring me to my knees.. I am terrified.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, and when I finally did fall asleep I dreamed of St Teresa of Lisieux. I prayed so many Hail Mary’s last night I lost count. I think I should start another Novena maybe? Maybe it was a message to help me through this time of difficulty.

I know I am blessed and cared for. Thank you God for that. Well better get back to work, I think my Sister and her husband may have just arrived.

Here’s to the unknown~ Here’s to my LEAP of faith.


One thought on “..panic..

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  1. Just pick up that phone baby girl. I am here when you need that hug. Thinking of you so very much. I’m keeping everything crossed for a smooth transition. Love ya.

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