..God is good..

Dh and I are absolute polar opposites. He is mean and cruel and most likely a sociopath. I on the other hand am gentle and giving, kind and filled with love. Alot of my personality was formed in relation to his disturbed method, all my adult life has be spent under his tutelage. He formed and shaped me until I was a mear shell of my former immature self. He worked and manipulated until my exterior resembled the image he had in mind, Not me, Not even God.. HIM.

Now what? Inevitably I grew up over the years but what is completely obvious is that my growth has been stunted. I grew in a slower progression. In the end it was a lot of prayer that helped me break open the scared and tattered ‘shell’ that held me together. Now as the pieces of my old self are chipped away I am left with a new very fragile shell, one that is easily penetrated, with out much protection. My new shell will take years of care to be fully restored.

I accept that. I pray everyday that I learned something in my witness to the hate that prevailed all those years. I am simply trying to stand now. I have crawled away from the madness. I am week, ill prepared and unprotected. But here I stand.

If I step back, I can almost say that this entire ordeal this entire measure of my humanity has been challenged. It’s amazing what we people can do, what we are capable of.

I still hurt, even though I am so blessed in that I KNOW I am surrounded with loving people, loving friends, I still grieve in some strange way over the loss of my broken marriage.

It’s funny, now that I have experienced love, the love of a Father I am absolutely sure I never loved DH, nor had he ever loved me. Well I guess that last part is obvious, but the first I didn’t realize until I opened myself fully to God’s rejuvenating love. I don’t know really. I just know this, I am happy. I am comfortable in my skin, I feel that I matter, that my life has meaning and purpose that I deserve kindness and happiness and peace.

On Monday, the last anniversary I plan to acknowledge with Dh passed. 14 years we had been together. I sort of always kept that anniversary in my heart, our wedding.. well he never really did acknowledged that, I stopped too because I found that if you have to force your husband to be thankful or be happy he married you, don’t bother. I counted this day, because It was the day that marked my commitment to him. On Monday, I felt sad. Not distinctly sad that DH and I are divorced, more that the idea of what I expected my life would be is now over. That made me feel disappointed.

Today, today is Tuesday.. oh go figure. I worked today when I got home I was informed that my kids would be spending the next week with Dh. I have alot more to write but it will have to wait I am FINALLY tired.

..weird mood..

I am in a very odd mood right now, like I could go either way between weepy or angry. I have a strange tension running though me that is hard to put my finger on.

This weekend like I said I went camping, I do like it out there, there was fun to be had, my kids where happy, my parents were happy, my grandparents were even happy, but I was nothing. I didn’t feel anything. I simply was just there going though the motions. I swam because they swam, I so thoroughly didn’t want to though, it was soooooooo cold! I took care of my kids, I played their games, I made polite conversation.. I did all the stuff I was supposed to.

A couple things nagged at me though. I don’t like being the singleton over there.. I am like the third wheel. All couples, grandparents, parents, siblings. All married for a long time, all partnered up.. the way it ought to be. Not me though, I had to marry a complete jerk that used me and screwed around and never put me first.

My sister is pregnant. I AM happy for her. I am, I swear. But I am also fiercely jealous. It makes my eyes well up to admit that, but I am. I want life inside of me. I don’t want to be here today. I don’t want to do this alone. I don’t want to be here alone. I am sad I guess. Maybe I am just having an off day. I never was any good at being alone. Why would that magically correct it self simply because I left my husband. It didn’t. It wont.

Last week I started my new job. It’s a position as a Nanny. I have not admitted this to anyone but I REALLY don’t want to do this. I am struggling already with my own kids, and now I am going to be pretending to be all happy and I am going to play with someone else’s? I never was that Mom. I guided and set things up, but I really wasn’t the one on the floor.. I just wasn’t. It’s weird because I sort of always regretted that, I spent so much time when my babies were babies cleaning, trying with all my heart to create perfection, to make Dh happy. I wore my self out. I was then too tired so I often went though the motions, in a haze of depression. It’s how I lived my life for years. I still feel the echos, the remembrances of those days.. They come back in many of the things I do.

Holy Lord.. I can feel where this is going.. Despair. I need reconciliation. I feel very tangibly cut off right now. Temptations have been hitting me randomly lately. This morning I was very tempted to just lay in bed and day dream, I am tempted to do all the things 29 year old single woman do to feel ‘something’. I am tempted to go out with my friends and just not think at all. I am tempted to be jealous, I am tempted to talk about the IL’s because of the party incident this weekend.. I haven’t even mentioned that stupidity yet. I am tempted to be lazy. I am tempted to just give up and fade out. Living a faithful life is hard.

Okay, I am pointing out the negatives, there were some positives too. Obviously. I enjoyed listening to my kids laugh together, I like that they didn’t have their cellphones, I loved watching my 12 pretend and play with his sister.. They were sword fighting with water noodles, they played and played on this old swing that hung near camp in fact my dad had built that very swing nearly 20 years ago and it still works great. It safely works great. I was happy to see my kids interacting with their family, I liked that I got to nap in the sun, in a chair undisturbed. I liked that there was lots of games to play. I liked that my Ds give his sister lots of hugs and even a kiss on the cheek (which made her entire day), I like that Dd and I got to watch the full moon rising, the same full moon we had been watching grow all week.

Hmmm I think I will put some effort into sleeping.

..i <3 Saturday..

I do, I love them. I love running on Saturday morning, I love having a coffee afterwards. In my old town I used to do this with others actual people, now I am going at it solo but truth be told I don’t really even mind much. Rather than have a long conversation to keep our lungs working hard, I sing.. Oh yeah I am running through the trails singing like a rock-star.. hahahah. I am sure to those that can’t see me but inherently hear me run by it must be a laugh.. but who cares.. I love it.

Today’s run, was tough. I realized it had been about 9 days since my last, even though I have been active, I have walked/biked or swam everyday. It’s not near the same intensity nor as good cardiovascularly. I felt it today, my quads burned and so did my lungs.

Oh well, it’s a bit of an effort, but I have been so sick that I just didn’t have it in me to go. So I will begin again. Rebuild my stamina, it won’t take long I know it. Besides and I know i have mentioned this before.. I do not run to be egotistical about my body, that’s not my priority. I run for the mental benefits more than anything else. BUT having said that, I noticed a slight change in my figure lately, I don’t like it. I have a tiny little bulge in my tummy. And over all some of my tightness has faded. Maybe this is a good thing, a tiny bit of curve is natural to a woman right? I think it’s because my appetite is coming back slowly, I am getting healthy again. So I won’t freak, but I am almost 31 and my Dr. told me to be careful about sugars and carbs, and I already know I can’t eat dairy and I have to limit my gluten.. So I will mind what I put in my body and keep my exercise more consistent.

So this weekend has been good so far, last night we had an unexpected low number at YG which worked favorably. We basically had a big water fight, then popsicles on the front steps of the church. After when it was our prayer time, ALL the kids participated. It was such a nice change. I told them a story about Babe Ruth the Miraculous Medal and how God is the Boss of us all. It was quite good. M was there, I hadn’t seen her in a while. It was funny, I made an observation, she jumped in during my talk and rather than talking she got upset and lectured. That won’t work with my group. She had a personal reason and went all MOM. I didn’t stop her, but I knew the kids put their guard up. Over all though, it was good. Funny too how things work out, S the secretary majorly screwed me up last night. I gave very clear instructions but, I don’t know she didn’t do what she was supposed to. So if all the kids that where supposed to be there where we would have been in trouble, but as it turned out, with the smaller number that didn’t hurt us. Her mistake made no difference. Thank you Mary!

Well I am sufficiently cooled off enough to jump in the shower. We are heading out camping today, I can’t wait!

Have a great weekend readers!!