..so many words..

So little time er or should I say temperament. Jeez could things be any worse? Effing Dh is attacking me at every bloody turn, my car is a hunk of junk, my body is bloated and my Ds is barely making it though these last days of school, my Dd is miserable, my stupid redneck town is talking about me like I am the flavor of the week..

Arrrrrgggggggg!!!!!!!!!

I have started to write this post about a million times over the last two weeks but couldn’t finish every time.

My feelings get so hurt over the things DH does. This week alone, he has filed an injunction to make us stay in this crappy town, he has threatened to pursue custody of Ds, he has yelled and threatened and texted me nearly to death. He has caused a huge scene about us moving. His stupid brothers wife has made a big stink to the rest of the family about me not being invited to my God Daughters First Birthday.. Every other day he finds someway to get a jab in.

Today my car broke down, I needed Dh to pick up the kids, as I was telling him this -he sees me and pulls over and then tries to help and is sweet as pie. He not only tries to help but ends up helping and making me avoid and tow bill. (seems nice right?) Then he drives me to the mechanic and afterwards back home. That was helpful.

I was thinking, “okay not too bad- I AM all right”. I survived the contact with Dh.

Not an hour later, he is telling me that he is taking me off all his life insurance. We are not even fully divorced yet and he is finding a new benefactor and making sure I have no part in his funeral. WOW.

Okay, you cheating, beating, underhanded, manipulative, torturing, corrupting, oppressive rat bastard!! Fuck YOU! Oh yeah, that might have been virtual, because I am far to classy to say it to his face, but it does not change the fact that boy oh boy I wish I could.

Grrr I feel very restless. I need something, a release maybe. Damn it I need to run. Running it seems also prevents me from doing other things that temporarily release those lovely endorphins.. but generally I need to confess afterwards so that takes some of the pleasure away. Those are the kinds I need to stay away from. Run, run, healthy run.

I will do that I guess. I am going running, if I can’t beat him at least I’ll be strong enough to go down fighting!

Or Not. I am bloody tired. I think I am premenstrual. AND my house is a MESS. I need to give it some attention. Why am I so tired these last few days? Is it because of all the drama. Maybe. Fr. told me the other day that I am on a journey, it’s been long and hard. Even though it’s already been years, years of difficult terrain.. the hardest part is yet to come. The end is in sight now, I am tired, exhausted really, but the longest hardest part is always the very end. It will take an act of sheer will and devotion to finish up. No giving up now, No giving in to the fatigue. I have to keep going. He is a good friend.

Remember that scripture..

I will leave you with this.

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One thought on “..so many words..

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  1. Hold tight little lady. It will turn around again, I promise. I know it seems so impossible some days. I know, trust me I know. We are in the same place, I have already been down this road. Listen to your lawyer and just get the ball rolling. Make time to call me and we can talk through some of it. But take no more abuse. Remember that you can control some things.

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