..individualistic..

It bothers me that someone thinks I am in any way individualistic. I actually would prefer to be more obscene in putting my self first, but some how over the course of my life I have lost that basic human instinct and in fact I am as much a blend of the societal norm as any other.

In fact, I would be more inclined to say that I am a giver, one that tends more towards the self giving than the- me first.

I am exhausted today, much to my regret it’s Sunday and I truly feel I have not yet achieved a ‘day of rest’.

I have been busy, very busy as of late, but all the while I have been in a constant state of conflict. I feel that I have no direction. Few options and my latest discovery.. no sanctuary. I have no place in which to recharge. My home is a stressful hole of darkness and tension, my church is governed by my disgruntled disappointment, my children are hypocritical lashes of anger and feud. Even my own body is ridden with discomfort and trial.

What do you want from me oh God? Where are you leading me?

Frustration courses through my every fiber of being. Sadness, sickness and loneliness.

I had a rare glimpse today of Christ and His true joy which awaits me. I trust Him. I trust that there is a purpose in all of this even in such amazing times of doubt. I trust that there is a plan for me even when I am discouraged so much so that I can barely make the hours of the day. I suffocate, I yearn for comfort, I beg for strength to endure all that I must.

I am surrounded with liars and cheats and selfishness. It’s consumes all that is light within me. I em left in rags, shreds of flesh and hair and heart. But here I remain, seeing, yet not seeing at all. Hearing, yet not hearing at all..

I don’t know how to go on. Yet I know that I must. This darkness is more terrible than before. Will I ever feel the warmth, I somehow know that it is possible but just not meant for me now.

I’ve done so many terrible things in my life, I just want to cry over so many things right now.

My stupidity. My selfishness. My cruel surroundings.

I am so friggin lost. I just want to cry out in complete frustration.

I begged the Lord this morning to show me the way. Help me know which is the right thing to do. I feel like a crazy person. There is just too much, I can’t do it all. My house is a mess, my kids are all over the place, my best friend is superficial, my husband is constantly lying and conniving and manipulating me, my parents are far away. I want to flight, I have been fighting, and I’m done. I need to escape, I can’t breath. I can’t parent, I can’t be ‘normal’. I have fallen down the pit of despair. It’s dark and cold and lonely. I can not fake it anymore.

My whole entire world has been ripped from my grasp. I don’t even know how to be happy, I can’t seem to make the choice. I want to do what makes me happy, but I have no idea what that is. I am constantly living in fear of judgment and disapproval.

I have nothing now. I think all this time that the Lord has been stripping me, is it finished?

Are you Lord stripping me of my escape into running. With out fail the things that are preventing me from continuing are forever in my way. Injury after injury. I miss it so much. I am addicted to the bountiful glory I attain after a long run. Mental alertness, freshness and livelihood. Accomplishment. Physical pride in my appearance. Total heath of heart and lungs, strength and happiness. But as I type today I am aching, my knees are swollen and I am barely able to walk down my stairs let alone get back onto the trail.

How did I get so lost here, so lost in this realm they call life. I am silently crying out, and forever going unheard.

This post has been an lament. The wind, the fire and the chaos are gone. All that is left is a trembling echo of my former self. I am a scared little girl trapped inside an adult, a mother no less.

Dh is coming over tonight, he will win today, I am in no way able to fight.

God help me.

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