..selfishly upset..

What a terrible day today has been. It started out great, but I guess maybe I was too brazen in my declaration of willingness to suffer, because boy, I am being put to the test.

I am frustrated that I can not go to Mass. I can barely do anything at the moment except sit here in pain and do nothing but pray and be sad and my Mom is no where to be found and my house is a mess and Dh is well he isn’t really doing anything but that’s not the point, my foot is throbbing. I took an ibuprofen twice today and it has done NOTHING to alleviate the pain.

So as I was making lunches for my children this morning, I was reaching the box of juice boxes off a high self in my gym. In the process I knocked a 1.5 quart Mason jar of apple pie filing down from my canning shelf and it landed on my foot, which was bare!

I cried and hyperventilated for a moment so that I didn’t pass out from the pain but then when I got my barrings again I got up to my Ds telling me it’s my own fault because I should have known it would fall as it has fallen before and maybe next time I will move it so that no one else gets hurt.. Wow guy, thanks for the sympathy.

I was still doing okay at that point, I put on my shoes and socks in pain but not dying or anything. I dropped my kids off at school and went to apply for a job, the TA job. After that I drove myself to Emerg.

I was in an out fairly quickly. I was sent home to get some crutches and stay off it for 7 to 10 days. Unfortunately I had to work , so before the crutches I went to work. That where my mistake was, because that made the pain a WHOLE lot WORSE.

The rest of the day I have been here, sitting on my couch looking around at my messy house wishing my Mom would surprise me by coming here.

What are you trying to teach me Lord? What am I supposed to be doing? Are you humbling me? Do I need to stop relying on my self, are you stripping me? I am sorry, oh God I am so sorry. I want to do the right things, I do truly. I am just such a needy person. I fear being alone, I need my dear friends, I am not a very strong person.

I know You are here Lord, I know it with every fiber of my being. I am sorry for my writhing, this pain is difficult. I can do it Lord if I must, I can do it, if it is Your will. I know you will never give me more that I can bare, I know Your graces will see me though. I am so sad that I am unable to receive you in the Most Holy Eucharist tonight. I need You oh Lord. I am begging you to be present to me, and to walk with me through these trials. Each thrust of pain I unite to Your Son, each tear, each stab, each vile seizure I offer for the atonement  and reparation of those holy forgotten souls in purgatory. I unite my will with Yours dear Father so that each moment of agony is like a gentle caress from Your great hand. Envelope me oh Lord. Envelope me in Your loving gaze. I am solely Yours.

I will continue on with my day, opening my heart in prayer.

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