..secret blessings.. (very long)

The other night I watched a Movie called The 13th Day. It was a beautifully produced Movie about Our Lady’s apparitions at Fatima, Portugal.

Let me set up the day.

I was out walking because my children were not at home, so I was feeling somewhat alone. (aka sorry for my self) I was doing some rather heavy reflecting on what I am doing, where I am going, what’s to come of my life. That morning I had prayed vehemently for several things, one regarding my purity.

(A little tangent, but St. Faustina asked God to take away all temptations from her daily life so that she might more completely focus on Him, I asked for the same thing, and God knows what my temptations are and how incredibly beneficial this might be.)

So I am out walking which turned into a run.. but anyways,  I ended up in the right place at the right time, with the last second help of a friend.

What came to me during that movie, and this has been something that I have been trying to discern for months, years even. My fertility. I want to try again to preserve it. I don’t know why then, but it was then that I felt I had the answer. Or at least I had the right question to ask.

The second thing was the great suffering the children of the Fatima apparitions had to endure. Ostracization from all who knew them with the exception of a handful of people, persecution by way of doubt, temptation to despair from Satan, ridicule from the people of the town, even in Lucia’s case, shunning and anger from her OWN MOTHER.

Two things, or three maybe. Those very young kids had faith that could without a doubt move mountains. They kept secret the things Our Lady told then, they kept secret the suffering that they endured, they prayed in times of doubt with complete trust. What can we learn from this. Suffering is a direct gift from God, He allows or permits us to suffer. It’s a remarkable way to KNOW He is with us in our daily lives. I felt chastised for my complaining about my stomach these last months. If this is God’s will who am I to complain about it. Or even to speak of it. I don’t want sympathy, nor should I want it to go away. If He is allowing my suffering than I best not waste it. I was compelled to offer it for the poor souls in purgatory, but then I lost my focus and started praying for my needs again, for my children. Sometimes I am attacked spiritually. I know this for a fact. I will keep praying for my family, for their conversions, for their protection, but the suffering I will use for something greater.

So the next day which was yesterday, I worked in the morning. I have to climb two flights of stairs to get to the apartment where I work. I always pray a Hail Mary on my way up, and ask for the ability to bring peace in the house I am entering. I worked diligently and despite rising emotions fueled by a pressure situation going on, I stayed rather peaceful which helped diffuse the situation.

After work I went to Mass. It was a noon Mass, which we followed with an Angelus. I came in before Mass during the second decade of the Rosary, so I stayed awhile after Mass to finished the first two decades. While I was there I lit a candle and and asked God to help me decide what to do about my appointment that day.

My fertility is something, well the last thing I feel that is important to reconcile to God. I experienced a conversion long after the procedure was done to stop fertility. I was very young, only 21 at the time and I can say one of the worst mistakes in my life. I didn’t understand though, before I mean about our divine plans. I didn’t understand that to truly express love, is ultimately being open to life. Now saying you are open to life when there is no chance to create it, is a far different experience than being open and trusting God to give you that gift. Having children I one hundred percent believe is not random at all. SO that child I aborted, was placed in my life for a reason. If God knew I would terminate my pregnancy, he also knew of my suffering that would follow, my free will allowed me to decide what to do, but He allowed the suffering I needed for conversion.

I was at a pro life rally last Thursday, a March for life. In our provinces capital. I was sitting on the great parliament lawn in the beautiful sunshine, with my daughter and these are the things I was thinking about.

I felt I was called to be there.

In order for me to do this, reverse this procedure it will cost alot of money, but again during Mass, I thought about the money I saved to leave Dh. I can do it. It will be my decision. I can do it with out asking DH to help pay. He refused all these years. But this is for me. So I can do it. I know if it is God’s will there will be away.

I left the church and went directly to my appointment. As I sat filling out the history I indicated I’d like to discuss my options with regard to reversing my tubal ligation. When I met the Dr. (whom is new in our town and comes from a woman’s hospital in Toronto or Montreal) I saw his light. His positive, very attentive, detail oriented persona. I was filled with Hope. Then we talked, I explained my situation honestly. He did all the particular, exam wise and then we talked about the reversal. He agreed to do it for NOTHING. I have no idea what he saw in my yesterday, or why on earth a Dr. would ever agree to that, but he did. So my surgery is now half price. Approximately $3000.00 which is the exact amount I had originally saved up. Wow. There is new technology that will increase my chances for getting pregnant if the opportunity should ever come up, but just knowing I am a fully functioning woman, completely open to Gods plans for me and my life. It’s invaluable. There is no possible way to put a monetary worth on this opportunity.. It will be pure blessing.

I walked out so elated and immediately reached for my phone but… I had an overwhelming feeling to say nothing. Like this is between myself and God. Like He wanted me to keep it a secret. It was the weirdest feeling. So I didn’t instead I went back to the church to light a candle in thanksgiving. It reminded me of the children of Fatima. Not that the situations are the same just that somethings are meant not to be shared. At least not right now.

While I was sitting in the church I was reading a book about teaching values, specifically respect, I was so happy sitting there, learning a few tricks to try with my kids; when my phone rang. It was my friend getting back to me with a job opportunity. It’s a TA position, with first nations children. It’s a one year posting. Again, the realization of what I am supposed to be doing hit me so hard. Mission work, right in my own home town. This job will require a very compassionate individual, with a heart for seeing people through Christs eyes. Are all my prayers going to be answered in one day?? In a year, I will have given things a chance to cool, I am not against a move but I have so many doubts that I was wondering if right now was the right thing to do.

Oh thank you Lord, your blessings are absolutely abundant. Time to wake my sleeping children. I am looking forward to the day, I want to give all it’s Glory to God, for with Him.. Anything is possible!

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