..annoying..

Yes, I have a little goal.

I am going to do this again. Only this time, I will do it alone and I’ll do the whole thing. 23 kms, straight up!!! Wicked awesome. I have no idea who I am or where I am going but I know that there is a fire inside of me that needs to be refined!

It’s June 19th, so I have 6 weeks to prepare. This is going to be amazing.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—  
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I ran this morning, it was necessary. I went to Mass today as well. I wish I could have recorded Fr’s homily, it was that good. Spot on to what I am dealing with right now.

It was strange, I am still dealing with these awful evil thoughts, like this morning I was so tempted to throw in the towel and not even bother coming to Mass. My girlfriend came over to pick up her daughter, she and I started chatting I offered her coffee and we sat. This was like at 20 mins past 10. Mass starts at 11. Then, she asked me some questions about the YG and it was like a little light entered my heart. The light of Christ, because the work of the YG is not my work, it’s His. I am merely His pencil there. Nothing more. But this morning that pulled me back and I told her I was sorry  but we had to go. In 14 mins, the three of us showered, dressed and got to the church, I admit we are a tiny bit late, we came at the end of the first reading. Thank you God, though because when I got there, I felt that familiar sense of home that I feel sometimes in that church.

I listened to the Mass, prayed through the Mass, was moved by Fathers homily and then during the very beginning of the Eucharist prayers, I felt it. I almost cried right then and there, it was the longing. I felt the deepest sadness, that I am outside- that the veil is drawn, I am standing outside the gate. Watching, not participating. The longing is good, it’s deep and spiritual. It reminds me of my origin, my unworthiness, my weakness, and the fact that I am dust!

I felt like crying out, thank you Lord for not abandoning me.

My life is completely unruly at the moment, I have no idea whats going to happen to me but I am sure of one thing only, I am made for Christ. He wants me for His own. I must hold tight to my faith, I must trust. That’s it, trust, pray, fast, receive His sacraments, be open and obedient. Faith is a genuine gift. I must take care NOT to forget it.

So I know that until I go to confession I will continue to be bombarded with temptations, satan watches me, I feel his pull. I am in no pain, I am in love with myself, I feel disobedient and selfish, I feel like I don’t have to listen to anyone but me.. I can do as I please. But that’s not the way to truth, not the way to everlasting life. Is it! NO! It’s! Not!

I choose Christ, He is my savior, He is my guide, He is my spouse, I am nothing with out Him.

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