..a rebellious heart..

You know usually I am a thinker. I am very responsible, well with the occasional shopping purchases that I might sometimes regret, especially in the purse/shoe department. However usually I am very responsible, so I never entertained the thought that I would ever be inclined to do anything reckless given my new found freedom.

Well. Having said that I am struggling beyond struggling with that, what do I want to do? Everything that I am not supposed to! I don’t drink, I can’t stand being drunk, and I dread being hungover.. so it’s not like I am going to become all influenced and do stupid things. It’s a little worse because I am fully conscience and the desire is to be with whom I shouldn’t, expel energy in a way that’s not very socially conscience or morally good for me, and lose myself for a little while in loud music, or adrenaline.

It’s weird to be so aware of these desires. Like, I am rebelling against myself. Or who? Who am I rebelling against? DH, partially, because he is still controlling my life in some ways. Father, because I know with out a doubt he only wants whats best for me, morally, my God? Is it possible I am being tempted by all these thoughts lately, by something sinister? I am slipping in the the area of grey, I am fatally weakened at the moment. Is satan using this reduced armor which protects my soul to entice me with the many beautiful things… I am going to say probably.

So, in a very practical way my faith might save me from being completely stupid. I have heard it’s quite common for woman after a separation to go out into the world and ‘play around’ with her new found freedom. I can see how it happens too – and I have only had a uber tiny taste of the temptation. If you have no faith, if you have no morals guiding you, no accountability, no destiny.. then why, and simply why wouldn’t you? Seriously, why wouldn’t you do exactly as you pleased, when you pleased? You just would.

Why am I not? Even though, the pressure inside right now is telling me, just go, just do it, it’s fine, it’s normal, your faith is a lie, you are wasting your time, there is nothing beyond this world, don’t waste your time here in this world, you have already wasted 14 years, now you can be happy, have pleasure, find love, go and do and taste and see.. you are young, you are beautiful, use it, take advantage of your self, your body is for you, use it…

I know in my heart of hearts that this train of thought is pure evil. I know I am being tempted harshly. I can feel it.

Yesterday, two things struck me, well three actually. First of all, I tried to go to confession, twice and couldn’t. It was unavailable to me. I asked myself why that was? I with out a doubt think there is a reason. God wants me to learn something. He is showing me something. I am sure of it, just now I feel sure of it. The second thing, I was talking Father and he told me sometimes he wonders too about the reason we don’t just do, his reason was PURE TRUST. Simple solution. His faith is so present, that he has total trust, complete entrustment to Christ. So regardless of the temptation, he asks using his will to TRUST CHRIST. Lastly I listened to this…

Revelation 21

And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely. He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son.

But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb’s wife. And he carried me away in the spirit to a great and high mountain, and shewed me that great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God, Having the glory of God: and her light was like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal; And had a wall great and high, and had twelve gates, and at the gates twelve angels, and names written thereon, which are the names of the twelve tribes of the children of Israel: On the east three gates; on the north three gates; on the south three gates; and on the west three gates. And the wall of the city had twelve foundations, and in them the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.

And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the glory of God did lighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof. And the nations of them which are saved shall walk in the light of it: and the kings of the earth do bring their glory and honour into it. And the gates of it shall not be shut at all by day: for there shall be no night there. And they shall bring the glory and honour of the nations into it. And there shall in no wise enter into it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie: but they which are written in in the Lamb’s book of life.

It made me cry a little but it also strengthened me. This is the Word of God. Even though I am unworthy to taste the most Holy Eucharist, I gained strength through, His most sacred scripture. God sets before us trials, but we must always know that He never leaves us, nor allows us more than we can truly bare.

I think this last week has been a test, my faith was weak, I felt the temptations of one with little faith. I felt the emptiness and yearning of one with nothing, no hope. I encountered a despondency in prayer, even when I was standing before the Blessed Sacrament, I felt jilted and my mind wondered. I had temptations, a little voice asking me in my ear.. “why are you here, you are wasting your time, it’s just an empty building, there is nothing here, no one here, nothing for you, you are a fool standing here, ALONE. ” On more than one occasion I was bombarded with these very loud thoughts right in the middle of my prayers, so forcefully that I stopped right then and there and begged St Micheal to intercede for me.

I lived the worldly life in away, as one with no faith. I don’t feel free at all. I feel sad and empty.

I am a child of God. This is all I want to be. I realize, not on my own though, through Christ whom through my friend picked me up, through His Father who loves me, chose me, picked me, wants me, believes in me, strengthens me..

That I am where I am supposed to me. I am who I am for a reason. I realize now, I am very perishable, and with out the effort to remain close to Christ, I will be eaten alive, lost in this world and poisoned to death with a half lived life. I am made for more. I know until I return to a state of grace, I will continue to be tempted, but I am reaching out to my Father, that through this time, while the veil is between us, that He might send His angels to protect me.

Yesterday was a feast day for St Joseph, it was called St Joseph the worker. Today is a feast day for Mary, Queen of Heaven. With the work ethic of St Joseph and the purity of them both, I pray that I may work hard today for it is only working to glorify Christ that we are truly working. In my vocation, as a mother, I have many jobs that need to be done, I will keep St Joseph and Mary, Queen of heaven in my heart as I complete my tasks, so that they are really meaningful and that they will bring me closer to Christ.

Rebellious heart, in Christ’s name, be gone!



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