..general musings from my crazy life..

It’s really has been over the top lately. I am moving in a direction, but everything seems to be holding me back, creating such a resistance that, I am having doubts. I need to write for a moment to see it more clearly.

These are the true facts as of today.

I do not love DH.

I don’t like being near him.

I am struggling under so much pressure.

I am resentful that all the decisions and actions are falling onto my shoulders.

I am frustrated that my Son is giving me such a hard time with his negative attitude, his mouthy way, his temperament, his general difficultness.

I am disappointed that DH is manipulated the kids with his strong emotions.

I am mad that DH is being such a baby over the whole thing. Why could he not suck it up and knock of the emotional bullshit. For years and years, he treats me like I am unworthy to even live in his house, that he doesn’t need me for anything, that he would be more than fine without me. But now, he can’t even do his laundry with out complaining about how he has screwed it up!!? Seriously, WTF!

I am frustrated that it’s taking me so long to get a job.

I am pissed that my 12 year old called me a Bitch yesterday.

I am mad that my stomach is still hurting, that I can’t run for as long as I like because it causes me so much pain.

I think my Dr. misdiagnosed me, and there is a very strong possibility that there is hernia there after all.

I am frustrated that, I have to divided up everything myself, and rather than be helpful, Dh is being a sulking baby, a victim, a poor me.. look what she is doing to me.. Ahhhhhh I am so stinkin mad right now.

Just read over this blog, look at all the stuff he has done.

He keeps saying it’s all in the past, he is good now, he doesn’t cheat anymore, that he hasn’t hit me in years.. therefor, I should be grateful! But that’s not why I left him. He can’t get that, I didn’t leave him when he was hitting me because I was weak, I didn’t leave him when he was repeatedly cheating on me because I wanted to save put marriage. We have two kids to think about.

I don’t love him now and I do love myself. SO with that important detail, I am not willing to hurt myself for his selfish immaturity. I deserve so much better than that.

After all that, I do feel sorry for him. Many times I feel tempted to comfort him, it’s a twisted need I have, after all these years wanting him to need me. Sometimes I really have to stop myself from doing it. I feel bad for his suffering, I pity his plight, but i know the second I show him any kindness like a snake he will turn it into something it’s not and use it to hurt me.

I am starting to think this is a game and what is at stake is his precious pride.

What ever, I just felt compelled to type that out.

I have alot to do today as it is everyday now. But I can do it. I will do it. I can do it. I am strong, I am kind, I am a good person, I am faithful to God, I am have a good heart, I am a hard worker, I am a good mother, I am a good person.


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