..do you ever get the feeling you are not wanted?..

Today, I sort of stayed busy. Even in this really negative circumstance I AM not going to dwell. So about today, it was ordinary. I got up a little bit late, like maybe 7 15. Made myself some coffee, then started making breakfast for my children. We are having food issues, rarely do they enjoy anything I make. It’s hard to deal with that. Then after I fixed a breakfast they didn’t want to eat, I made their lunches. I took them to school in my pj’s. I don’t do that very often, but I wanted to shower before I got dressed and I didn’t have time before they had to leave. When I returned home, I called Shaw and canceled my TV. The cable I mean. It’s so nice here when there is no TV on. As I was on hold with Shaw I also called my Dr. I have another appointment tomorrow. I have been feeling up and down today. Pain wise. It’s weird, I went to work this morning I was very careful, I was fine until I had to do the shopping. I was working for the clients I do home care for. While I was shopping for them I got a call from Dd she wanted to come home. Sick again. So I finished with my clients, went to pick up Dd and then came home. Completely wiped out.

Dh picked up Ds from school, I was thankful for that. DH has actually been quite nice lately, easy, no drama. It’s been a nice break especially now. I made a great dinner, mini teriyaki garlic ribs, brown rice, corn, and beets.

Off topic but I weighed my self today, 126lbs. Which at 5’6 I think is not a bad body weight.

During dinner and for a while after I felt so awful I spent most of the evening in a ball just trying to breath. During the very worst point, I was trying to distract myself so I checked my email on my phone and look at what I found.

“And the Lord said to me (St. Faustina), “My child, you please me most by suffering. In your physical as well as your mental sufferings. I want the fragrance of your suffering to be pure and unadulterated. I want you to detach yourself, not only from creatures, but also from yourself. My daughter, I want to delight in t…he love of your heart, a pure love, virginal, unblemished, untarnished. The more you will come to love suffering, My daughter, the purer your love for Me will be. (279) – Diary of St. Faustina”

My friend sent that to me. How beautiful. She really listens when God whispers. I said why did you send that, she said she was just being a messenger. I was thankful. Sincerely thankful.

After the pain lessened I helped DD do her homework and got her ready for bed. Tonight was Ds’s first day of football. Dh took him. That was nice. When Ds got home, I made him some hot chocolate since he was freezing. The beginning and the ending of the season is so darn cold for those boys.

After I cleaned up the kitchen and shut down the house, I got Ds ready for bed and tucked him in. Now I am here in bed. Writing. Praying -well hoping for a night of good rest with no wake ups.

I don’t know what I can do about much at the moment, I don’t know what I did other than acted like me. I suppose that’s irritating to some. It was something my dh hated, I think maybe it’s just apparent that now that I have fully let my guard down and allowed all my insecurities to show, I wasn’t as well liked as was initially thought. There is nothing I can do. That’s a lesson I know for sure. You can’t make people like you. If they don’t then why do you want them in your life anyway.

I have a ton of issues. My life has sucked many, many times. BUT I am still trying, I won’t give up, I want to be a good, kind person that doesn’t judge others, that is always willing to help that person laying on the side of the road. I might not be very mature, but I’ll get there someday. I might talk to much, well I simply have alot to say, and it’s hard to process things and most of the time I am simply afraid to be alone or in silence. It’s hard now because of all the pain. I want a hug, a real one from someone that loves me. For no reason other than because that person cares how I feel and wants to help me feel better.

I hope one day, I’ll have that simple blessing, someone like that in my life that will give hugs freely.

It’s sucks being in so much pain. I don’t understand it. I want it to be over. I sort of feel like I am being punished. First unending mental anguish, annihilation of my marriage, abandonment of my children, forced into the unknown. Now physical pain like I have never experienced.

Am I missing something God? I am doing something wrong? I am sorry, I am sorry for my entire life.

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