My reality is so dark, it’s squeezing the oxygen from my lungs. Last night was another awful night. It was no different from the days prior, no different really then the weeks, years, decades that I have been tragically suffering through since I turned 13.
Dh again. My son, thinks I need to suck it up. He thinks what Dad has done is no different than what I do, he thinks that I am the mean one, that I am mean to Dad making him live somewhere else, getting him arrested, telling him to get away from me or get out of the house. He thinks that I am the one that is selfish.
Lets state some facts. This is my life right now.
Yesterday, Dh told me I am mentally sick and that I need help and if I don’t get ‘said’ help I the kids will realize my sickness and hate me anyway. (okay for one thing, why would someone that is supposed to love me hate me cause I am sick, if it were true in the first place)
On Monday night, I listened in to a phone call that Ds and Dh were having, and I recorded it. In the conversation, Dh was asking Ds if I was mistreating him, telling him that it is not fair that I made my two capable kids come to visit a elderly client with me, that if I ever try and get them to do anything like that where they might be a tiny bit bored with out TV, Internet, or freedom to just ‘call him right away’ and he will take away all the ‘suffering’.
WTF! We were helping an old person. I wasn’t making them do anything that isn’t good for them.
Then later on I told him what I heard and said it’s no wonder the things Ds is saying what he has been about me, (not deserving to live here because I didn’t pay for any of it, about me being crazy, about me punishing Dad for doing nothing wrong, that the kids don’t need me at all because they will just get a maid to clean up the house, that they can’t wait until Dad gets his new girlfriend, then they are going to move into the big house and since I don’t want to be part of the family they will live there with Dad and her and no more me, because I will be living in a welfare house, that I am Jesus freak and that they won’t need to go to church anymore once they are living with Dad..)
These are the things I listen to constantly from Ds. When I told Dh that I felt it was very wrong to inflect his opinion of me onto the kids, he flew over here, came barreling in the house and started screaming at me about how much he loves his kids, crying about the injustice that he would never try and hurt them by manipulation them, all of this took place in front of the kids, as I was trying to serve them dinner. Again I recorded the whole thing, we fought for two hours. Well he fought for two hours, I lost myself after one. I just sat listening to him put me down, over and over and over. And near the end, I was filled with doubt, self discouragement, disappointment, and deep, deep sadness.
He finally left, and I like a robot finished what I had to do, that night ds gave me another hard time and afterwards I fell asleep in my clothes completely worn out.
Yesterday was more of the same, working through the day in a state of robotic adventure. Dh took the kids first Dd around 12 30 pm, then Ds from after school. I had nothing to do really so I applied for a job at a sporting good store, then I took a nap, after my nap I got up made dinner, spaghetti and meatballs and then that’s when the kids got home, afterwards we did as little as possible and then I got them ready for bed. As usual right before bed Ds started with the hurtful comments so I went down stairs and cried for hours. It was simply the end of my resolve. I gave into the dispare and wept.
It’s not bad enough that through the years DH has repeatedly lied, cheated, manipulated and hurt me over and over and over, but now he is systematically taking what little I have left, the one last thing I consider precious in my life. My children. That’s what hurt so much last night. When is DH going to stop punishing me. And for what? What is he punishing me for? What did I do that was so bad to him in the first place to warrant all these years of neglect, abuse and hurt? What is it? And what do I do know? Do I let my kids go? Do I give in? I was thinking terrible things last night. How weak am I? Like I said at the beginning, it’s a harsh reality.