..the fog..

Wow, such struggles. It’s worse lately, I am finding my way so blind. I have no idea what is coming, I only know what is passed. I am struggling. I found there are three little things that bring me moments of clarity.

I had an experience yesterday. Prayer. I felt secure, and at peace, and quieted, and loved. God is so good. For those few hours following, I had a small spring in my step and I was lifted from the fog. How is that even possible.

I knew it wasn’t permanent. But here it is, the fog and sadness having creeped back in.

Okay enough, depressing blah, blah, blah!

I went for a run this morning only about 5.5 k. It was slightly hilly and I did it in about 40 Min’s. I don’t know if that’s good or not, but that’s what it was. I again felt that lift, oh joy. How I love the runners high. It was a good run, you know the kind that midway you feel like you could just go on and on and on. I probably would have too if I didn’t have two hungry teenagers waiting for lunch..

Ds had a sleep over last night, it’s crazy those boys played COD, chatted on FB, watched a couple of movies, ate pizza flavored goldfish.. It seemed fun. It’s still weird for me that Ds is a pre teen, that his good buddy is an actual teenager. How the heck did that happen?

Dd on the other hand has been with DH non stop. I hate it. I hate the divided way things are now. That’s probably my biggest stress-er because just typing it out puts a knot in my stomach. I miss my girl. I know this will only last as long as Dh is off work but still. She loves being over there. And I miss her.

I still don’t have a second job, or an apartment. I wonder often how on earth will I survive this. I don’t know what I am going to do, or who I am. Outside of him. It’s bizarre. I need to simplify again.

I am such a strange creature. I feel the veil. It’s between us again.

Something else new, my stomach is giving me a very large amount of trouble. I made a Dr’s appointment, it’s for a week from now. I think I am either dealing with a cyst, or something else weird like that because pain lately has been off the charts. It’s killing me.

I know this is going to sound weird but I hope and pray Dh’s Mother is not cursing me. She is a very Mexican woman, as much a she is Catholic she is also a firm believer in a very dark world of tradition. If she wanted to curse me, she is in the right place to do it.

Okay I better go do something. I feel sick again. Sometimes I wish I NEVER ever had to eat again.

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