I am rather sad today and I really have no idea why. I mean there are a million reasons but nothing unusual. I feel all out of sorts, like I am waiting for something. I am unhappy with my life and the way things are going. I guess what I am saying is I am having doubts. Have I made a huge mistake?
It’s sort of funny, that every time I really start thinking that -something immediately happens. What just happened? I’ll tell you. I am sitting here with Dd she is having a bath and talking to me. Or I should say she is just talking in general. She just brought up that DH is talking to someone about us. He is talking to a woman from our past. It’s ridiculous to me because she is the woman that he used to be very good friends with her husband, the one that was his partner in crime. They partied together, cheated together, did all that bad stuff together, traveled together for the fighting, they were each others wing man and now he is ‘talking’ to the ex wife. They aren’t even divorced I don’t think. Oh well, that made me feel jealous for about 3 minutes. What’s the point in being jealous though. I am the one that wants out. And if he where to end up with anyone she would be a great candidate, I at least would know my kids where in good hands.
I am just struggling to be alone. I am frightened to make all the decisions, alone. I have always relied on Dh for everything and he spent the same amount of time being mad at me, or making me feel like I wasn’t good enough. He still says I won’t make it on my own. He is sure I will fail. Yet I still in some sick way really want his approval.
So tonight Ds is with his friends at a hockey game. It’s just Dd and I. She though, like I said is in the bath, still in the bath.
I guess I know how much it helps me to talk, so I guess I am happy for Dh that he will have that too. I am sorry for his suffering. He doesn’t see though, he can’t see mine. I think I except that. I thing that is a new step for me. My acceptance, for his ‘way’.
Tomorrow Dh is heading back to CR. He is going to have lunch with my confessor. I am glad he is going to talk to a priest, but I am sorry because now I will have to change confessors. I know Dh is very manipulative. He will have FR. A convinced I am insane by the end of lunch. He will have told his side, untruthfully as usual and I will look horrid. BUT given all that I know about the things that DH does. What can I say. I trust in God to protect me. What ever DH is going to do he will and I can’t stop him but I can pray that he doesn’t go to far. OR even better I pray that he is truthful; that is that he can see the truth.
No sense worrying about it. In a way I welcome the persecution. I will gladly suffer it for the conversion of my family. That’s what I will offer. My pain can be used for the opening of hearts to God’s divine plan. It’s sucks but that my humanness talking.
I am so tired, I feel sick. I am not sick, it’s my pms. It makes me physically ill. It’s normal for me. I am considering taking something to help me sleep. I am always tired lately but I sort of want the thoughts to go away. When I take the medication it quiets everything. It’s a break. It’s hours of good sleep. I’m not cold, I don’t dream, I am not hungry, I just sleep.
Lets talk about something else now.
I guess I am writing so much because I feel lonely. Writing is like talking, but rather than wondering if I am making people tired of my drama, I don’t have to worry at all. I just write. I express all my whims, my sadness, my weakness and then I shut off my computer and I am done.
I want to go away from here. I will do what I must to support my family until they are grown but I want something else for my life. I want to leave and become a missionary. I would love to do this with my kids but I would never impose that upon them.
My laptop is running out of batteries, time to go~