..rainy sunday..

It’s raining out today and I hear there is a possibility of snow. Wouldn’t that seriously suck. I would be without a  vehicle.

There are many practical reason why separated from Dh will suck, but so far I can still only come up with the practical ones. My heart isn’t sad, I don’t miss him, possibly that’s becuase he is still every where I look. I can’t breath with out him calling, texting, showing up..

SO here is the deal I need a plan.

School – I need about $2550.00, I have no way of getting it. I have about 1200.00 in my savings. That’s it. SO I need the other half. But if I need to move out there is no way I can, it’s just impossible to pay rent and expenses, plus tuition. How do you people do it??

Okay forget school, keep applying. My kids are so used to me ALWAYS being here that it’s difficult to be gone some of the time, not to mention all of the time with a crazy hour-ed job. I am scared of the unknown.

I guess this is the key, I am afraid of what’s out there for me. I have no idea how to take care of myself in this world. I have just never had to worry about more than, organizing our schedules to make sure the kids are always at their activities on time, that they always have clean clothes, home cooked meals, good nutritious lunches, check ups, PAC meetings, regular sacraments, good manners, that there are cookies ready when their friends come over… When it came time to paying the bills, I just punch in the identification key to our online banking and paid them. That’s it.

So living this way over the last 14years, made divorcing unthinkable. I know not everyone could pull off this lifestyle, so old fashioned, but we each had our roles and this is how we worked them. BUT to divorce now is harder becuase we don’t exactly fit into the world. Well I don’t this is only my version of it you see.

Of course Dh sees it differently, in the early years while I am plodding away being holly homemaker, he is out drinking, partying, cheating, fighting.. Living a duality that truly didn’t corospond to me. SO I OVERLOOKED IT. I know so stupid right, I buried my head in the sand.

Now the aftermath, I am living with regret and hurts and sadness, I want more for myself, than a halfway committed controlling husband that just up and decided one day after 4 affairs, one right here in this town this new town we moved to to ‘get away’ from his past, that he would love me now.. in his own way. He treats me like one of his employees, but is completely justified in his mind becuase I struggle with the emotional baggage of keeping all of this history inside for so darn long.

Ahhhhh!

So again, here I am angry. Angry with my crappy choices, angry with all these invested years, and angry that he feels nothing and is still trying to make all of this my fault. It’s MY decision to leave, yes it is. But it’s not what I want, he forced my hand. OUR past is ruining my life. AND THATS WHY I AM MAD.

I don’t want to get a job and move out, I want to volunteer and be with my kids all the time. I want to be holly homemaker, I just want a husband that doesn’t check my phone records, my whereabouts, or make me feel guilty for going to CL or for coffee with a friend. I don’t want to have to justify how I spend each moment of the day, recounting it before the “judge”. That’s what I can not do anymore.

SO either road sucks or at least it seems to. I don’t know. Maybe I am just in a bad mood becuase DH has been here all weekend long and he keeps trying to hug me and wants me to kiss him and the very thought of doing either is vile to me, it furthers my anger becuase in his selfishness he just can’t grasp my need for space, he just doesn’t care.

Well, I hate to work on a Sunday it feels like a sin but as yesterday was spent so lazily I guess I better do something..

I don’t want to be idol and stew it serves no purpose anyway.

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