So something happened to me this morning, something completely humiliating. I am not going to say what, as even on this very anonymous blog I wouldn’t even want to write it.
You know I have been praying for quite some time for my doubts to dwindle. I have been afraid to make the leap and tell the kids about our separation, Dh and I, I mean. I knew once the kids knew, we would never go back. Over the last few weeks though, Dh has crept back into my life in little ways. I had noticed recently how that was affecting me.
But still I didn’t have the courage to make that grand gesture, to finish it. Until this morning. Even though it was a humiliation, it was the concrete evidence I needed to allow my self to move again without the encumbering guilt.
Recently there have been so many different variables influencing my thoughts and judgments that i just didn’t trust my head or my heart. AND that was the problem. So here we are.
CONCRETE EVIDENCE. Dh has not changed towards me at all. He is selfish and a liar. He doesn’t respect me or my person at all and now I saw it. I saw it today. I felt hurt and betrayed and then VERY angry. He is full of justifications, which only furthered my feeling, and finally he tried to say it was my fault, he turned what HE DID into my fault and I watched all of it happen as if it was a movie being played out in front of me.
It’s done, we told the kids, and WE ARE OVER.
I am scared, angry, hurt, tired, relieved, shocked, disappointed, frustrated.. all at the very same time. If you can imagine it. Yet with all of that coursing through me, I am unattached to it. I see it and I even feel it but it’s all on the surface, it isn’t penetrating me, or pushing me into the fog or the abyss.. it’s just there like surface foam on the ocean.. kind of getting tossed around.. Nothing holding or taking it away it’s just there being tossed around on the surface.. That is what my feelings are like right now. It’s the strangest sensation.
Well dh and the kids went to the city, I am here alone, I think i might go for a walk, see a friend, or pray for awhile by myself.. I will be okay.
This is the leap, this day I am laying it all out at the foot of HIS cross. I am free.