..the first day, again..

Why does it feel like today or possibly tomorrow is the day that the page turns? You know the page; the page in our story, like I am standing in front of that dusty old Inn, the one that sits next to the cross roads… It’s a mighty surreal feeling and at the very same time one that I can say I have felt before..

Is that part of our journey though? We are constantly changing, reinventing, propelling ourselves. We are pilgrims, wading through the terrain of life.. This must sound sort of abstract, it’s not really. It’s perfectly real in-fact.

Today the In Laws moved out. It’s been 6 months exactly. My family has completely fallen to pieces and it coincided with my In laws arrival, stay and thankfully we can now move on with their departure.

Dh as you know it out of the house and under a temporary No Go police protection order. I have a new job, and am looking for another. My 12 year old Ds mysteriously disappeared one night only to be replaced with a replica.. a rude and snotty, selfish version that seems to :hate: me most of the time.. my Dd has been feeling :sick: for weeks, sick and tired and very clingy.. I am actually getting worried about her too. I am okay, with a few little blips along the way I think I will survive this.

My schedule has slowed down measurably, basketball is over, I am only working part time, all my running friends have scattered, it’s sad really. That’s the one thing I miss most..

I need to find my way in this world alone. It’s very hard and scary for me. I am a very emotional person, I would even say I am very immature, emotionally immature person. I may have always acted mature and responsible but deep inside I am stunted. My level of emotional maturity must be adolescent. So with that new knowledge, I must learn new patterns. I must find my way, alone.

Gees, I just feel like crying, like my heart is cracking. So much tragedy in my life. It’s stupid really, trust it the biggest waste of time in our cruel and broken world. I know that sounds bitter but frankly I am kind of bitter. I’m not a masochist, I don’t like torchering myself.

I made my choice on Saturday morning, now I must live with it. Actually maybe telling is a good idea. I need to put this away. That’s what I am going to do with everything -one thing at a time. Deal with everything one thing at a TIME.

Well tomorrow, I have many things to do. I am going to put my resume to a job I just heard about, I have to do a small photography job, I have an entire house to clean, and I suspect Dd will be sick tomorrow. I better get to bed.

Good Night~

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