..harsh reality..

My reality is so dark, it’s squeezing the oxygen from my lungs. Last night was another awful night. It was no different from the days prior, no different really then the weeks, years, decades that I have been tragically suffering through since I turned 13.

Dh again. My son, thinks I need to suck it up. He thinks what Dad has done is no different than what I do, he thinks that I am the mean one, that I am mean to Dad making him live somewhere else, getting him arrested, telling him to get away from me or get out of the house. He thinks that I am the one that is selfish.

Lets state some facts. This is my life right now.

Yesterday, Dh told me I am mentally sick and that I need help and if I don’t get ‘said’ help I the kids will realize my sickness and hate me anyway. (okay for one thing, why would someone that is supposed to love me hate me cause I am sick, if it were true in the first place)

On Monday night, I listened in to a phone call that Ds and Dh were having, and I recorded it. In the conversation, Dh was asking Ds if I was mistreating him, telling him that it is not fair that I made my two capable kids come to visit a elderly client with me, that if I ever try and get them to do anything like that where they might be a tiny bit bored with out TV, Internet, or freedom to just ‘call him right away’ and he will take away all the ‘suffering’.

WTF! We were helping an old person. I wasn’t making them do anything that isn’t good for them.

Then later on I told him what I heard and said it’s no wonder the things Ds is saying what he has been about me, (not deserving to live here because I didn’t pay for any of it, about me being crazy, about me punishing Dad for doing nothing wrong, that the kids don’t need me at all because they will just get a maid to clean up the house, that they can’t wait until Dad gets his new girlfriend, then they are going to move into the big house and since I don’t want to be part of the family they will live there with Dad and her and no more me, because I will be living in a welfare house, that I am Jesus freak and that they won’t need to go to church anymore once they are living with Dad..)

These are the things I listen to constantly from Ds. When I told Dh that I felt it was very wrong to inflect his opinion of me onto the kids, he flew over here, came barreling in the house and started screaming at me about how much he loves his kids, crying about the injustice that he would never try and hurt them by manipulation them, all of this took place in front of the kids, as I was trying to serve them dinner. Again I recorded the whole thing, we fought for two hours. Well he fought for two hours, I lost myself after one. I just sat listening to him put me down, over and over and over. And near the end, I was filled with doubt, self discouragement, disappointment, and deep, deep sadness.

He finally left, and I like a robot finished what I had to do, that night ds gave me another hard time and afterwards I fell asleep in my clothes completely worn out.

Yesterday was more of the same, working through the day in a state of robotic adventure. Dh took the kids first Dd around 12 30 pm, then Ds from after school. I had nothing to do really so I applied for a job at a sporting good store, then I took a nap, after my nap I got up made dinner, spaghetti and meatballs and then that’s when the kids got home, afterwards we did as little as possible and then I got them ready for bed. As usual right before bed Ds started with the hurtful comments so I went down stairs and cried for hours. It was simply the end of my resolve. I gave into the dispare and wept.

It’s not bad enough that through the years DH has repeatedly lied, cheated, manipulated and hurt me over and over and over, but now he is systematically taking what little I have left, the one last thing I consider precious in my life. My children. That’s what hurt so much last night. When is DH going to stop punishing me. And for what? What is he punishing me for? What did I do that was so bad to him in the first place to warrant all these years of neglect, abuse and hurt? What is it? And what do I do know? Do I let my kids go? Do I give in? I was thinking terrible things last night. How weak am I? Like I said at the beginning, it’s a harsh reality.

..not quite a bowl of cherries..

Life that is, specifically mine.

I have had a rough go again. DH is killing me with his tactics. It’s more meanness than I have ever encountered in my life, and I am finding I am seriously not prepared for it. I need to keep steady, I am turning my entire soul to God, begging for strength and protection.

This weekend was quite hard. On Saturday I had the kids with me, they both weren’t feeling 100% great but we did alright through the day. I let them take it easy and I organized and did some heavy spring cleaning. Our playroom, is so simplified now. It made me feel great to complete that task. I asked the kids to do one or two little things to pitch in. It was alright.

That morning, I left at 6 45am and went for my bike ride, I have started cross training, running and mountain biking. Last Wed. I went on a huge ride about 35km. It took 2h 21min and felt so good. So I asked my partner (running partner) if rather than running on Sat. morning, she would like a ride. It was fun, hard, exhilaration and exactly what I needed to de-stress and rejuvenate.

We had a nice breakfast the kids and I when I got home. I like to go so early because It works out that they are just waking up when I finish my run or my ride.

Okay on with the day, Ds had a birthday party to go to. Dd and I had her birthday party to prepare for the next day so we went shopping a little bit while Ds was at his friends party. I prepared all the food for Dd’s party that evening and then the kids and I sat down to watch a movie together.

We watched The Blind Side. It was so incredibly good, a clean christian movie, good moral, great values, it was all about charity, true charity as in love. PLUS it’s a football movie. My goodness I recommend it a thousand times. I loved it that much.

Then the next day, Sunday I got up around six. I am rising earlier again, I like that so much better. I prepared the rest of Dd’s party stuff plus I made preparation for our Sunday night dinner.

Since I was feeling pretty steady and nice I called Dh’s sister (the one that hates me and is rarely even civil to me) But I was feeling generous, I invited her and Dh over for dinner. I wanted to make something good to eat, I prepared Tostadas. It’s a meal with many steps, but is worth the effort because it tastes so good.

After a bit of struggle with Ds we all went to Mass. Yesterday was Palm Sunday, the 40th day of Lent. And the beginning of Holy Week. It was a nice Mass, but long because of the Gospel. After Mass I argued with Ds for quite a little while he didn’t want to come to Dd’s party, so I gave in a left him at home. BUT not before taking a tiny piece of electrical tape and putting it over the inner part of the Modem cable. Ha, tricky me made the Internet stop working. So Ds couldn’t be on line while I was not at home.

Dd and I went to her party, it was fun. It was a rollerskating party, she had lots of fun. During that time, Dh went to our house and picked up Ds.  I should have known that if he couldn’t go online here, he’d just go to his Dad’s.

After the party, SIL the evil SIL came and picked up Dd too. So I was home alone for a few hours. I was tired, the party was a constant mess to clean up, so many spills, running around makeing sure everyone had everything they needed. It’s a bit exhausting.

I told Dh, and I told SIL that dinner was at 6 30 sharp. So they would be back in time. I set the table had everything ready, and when the time rolled around, they didn’t show up. I looked at my cell phone and saw about 9 missed calls and messages. All- where are you, what are you doing, who are you with.

So I called them and said I am at home waiting for you guys to show up, dinner is ready. What where they doing when I called? They were at a restaurant having Sushi.

I asked them why, they said the kids were hungry. I asked why they didn’t just come here then, and DH said well I didn’t want to get into trouble. As I am not supposed to be there.

WTF.

He comes every other day. On Thursday when I tried to explaining that the kids and I had plans, he came straight over and shut the door in the laundry room and yelled at me trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to spend an afternoon with my kids alone. He yelled until I cried and then he left.

So I spent hours making that dinner yesterday for nothing. Talk about rude. Then on the phone he has the audacity to accuse me of cheating. Again WTF. I was here all afternoon, I cleaned up from the Birthday party, I finished dinner, I went to the church for about 30 mins to pray rosary and then I was back at home cleaning and doing laundry. Hardly something scandalous.

It wasn’t nice at all it was so rude.

Then after the kids got home, I was preparing the evening routine and when it was time to bed I told Ds ” K bud, time for bed.” He said, ” No, I am not tired.” I said, “All the same you still have to get your jammies on, brush your teeth and get upstairs.” He said, “No, you can’t make me. What can you do? You can’t make me do it. There is not one thing you can do to make me, I’d like to see you try!”

I took a calming breath, because I was thinking about all the things I would like to say to him at the moment, things about how much of a spoiled rotten brat I though he was acting like.

But I didn’t- instead I silently prayed. Fervent silent prayers.

Then he got up and went upstairs. On the way up he turned to me and in the sweetest calmest voice said, ” look mom, there isn’t one thing you can do to me, because if you try to make me do things I don’t want to I will just call child protection services and tell them you are crazy, and they won’t make me stay with you!”

And rather than be shocked, I said, “okay Darling, get the phone, I’ll dial it for you.” It went back and forth for a few minutes, until with much resistance he went to bed mad.

This whole situation is devastating. What ever Dh is telling them, they are turning away from me blindly. Am I going to lose my whole life, my family, my children? It’s just so awful.

..10..

Yesterday was not bad, I have to say. See that was me being positive. Yes, I know strange right!!

Friday night, I had Youth Group. We were leading the Stations of the Cross at our parish. I was impressed because they were serious. The kids I mean, my usual leader was not there so the main group of teens where young, like 12, 13, and 14.  After the week before and the whole sardines in the dark debacle.. well I really wasn’t sure what would happen at the church. But they made the effort and the parishioners where happy, even I was happy.

Following the stations we went in the the hall and since the parish hall is so much smaller than the school gym, we had to play different games. We started with British bull dog, but my reinvented harder way…

Muahahahahahahaha <— Evil Laugh!!

The bulldogs were on thier knees and the runners where doing a bear crawl. It was soo funny.

After that we got into a very 4 year old like mindedness.. We played Go Go Stop, and Simon says.. Danielle, one of my seniors got everyone out in one shot while we were jumping up and down on one foot, turning on the spot and patting our heads, she simply said “stop” and everyone did. That was pretty funny too.

We finished in the usual way, songs, prayers, good byes.

My Ds wasn’t there. He was with Dh. I was sort of sad that he didn’t come, but in reality, it made my night easier without him there. Things have been so difficult between us. Dh is being so immature. I don’t like his actions at all. I am just so sorry that the kids are suffereing.

After YG, I just went into the church and sat. I sat infront of the Blessed Sacrament. It was silence. I think I should mention, I went to see my confessor that afternoon, directly prior to YG. He lives in the next town over, so it was an effort but the peace! was worth every second of the drive, (not to mentions my eternal place in heaven :p).

So sitting there in the dark church, the silence was nearly tangible. I could hear it. I could feel it. I haven’t experienced silence in weeks. I was preparing myself though because I knew I was going to be alone that night. Dh had planned to have both kids sleep over. It would be the very first time that I had spent the night alone since I was 17. Can you see the importance of that night. I haven’t really been alone since I was 17 years old. It has always been Dh, and or either Ds or DD. NEVER alone.

I wish I could tell you that I had a beautiful sleep and felt very at peace.. but come on now readers you know me better than that! I had an unfortunate inciedenct with some cottage cheeze..

Here it is as recounted for my SIL in an email I was in the middle of writing at the time of said incedance..

OMG

Something really disgusting just happened! I will tell you about it as I am right in the middle of this note, as it just happened. SO I know it’s after 11, but I am running tomorrow so I needed a little snack. It’s a Lent Friday so I fasted today, but then I worked tonight and now since I will need some energy tomorrow I decided to eat a little energy food. Anyways I opened up a brand new container of cottage cheese, right on top there was a little tiny piece of mold. I being as hungry as I was just spooned of the mold and decided to eat some anyways.. Okay all is good I’ve eaten about half and last bite… HUGE MOLD taste I think my tongue feels weird, it was seriously the most disgusting thing EVER. Okay, so I think I will chuck the rest and the container. The expiry is like in three weeks what the heck!

 Aren’t you just so glad I shared that with you!!

I ended up making my self a little salad after that.. And hardly sleeping at all.

I got up the next day all alone and then met my friend to run. I don’t really know how far we ran but it was about 1 hour and 25 minutes. We did a section that led up out of town and came to a place that over looked the valley. That was cool, I’m stiff so I know it did some good.

After the run we were at SB having a coffee and a chat when Dd called me. It was her 10th birthday yesterday. I left SB then and went home to prepare breakfast for Dd. I picked her up when I was showered and breakfast was done, I spent the entire day with my GIRL it was perfect. We with Ds had a nice meal, then Dd and I went to a babyshower, then we purchaced New Moon, which ended up costing me .15cents. And after the fact I am glad too, becuase it wasn’t that good of a movie, so .15 cents now seems appropriate. I am not a hater or anything, I read and enjoyed the books, it’s just that the movies aren’t really very well done.

After the babyshower and the errands I made dinner, another favortite of Dd. Dh came for  dinner and to do laundry. I was really proud of myself, I was friendly and polite but I didn’t alow myself even an inch to go into his miserablness. I kept my shield on good and tight.

I sometimes have a hard time fathoming that fact that I have have a 10 year old baby. How on earth did my children grow up so fast. It was a blink. So much struggle and now I am free. That’s what keeps coming to me, I am free!! Free from the oppression. Free to be me, whom ever that actually is!! Free to love my children, to be my self, to love myself, and to just be. It’s an incredible liberation.

And to cap what I sincerly thought was a ‘nice’ day. Ds asked me to tuck him in and we talked, we really talked. I felt at peace. Thank you LORD.

I guess I better get up, I am typing while still in bed. There is Mass in an hour so we better start getting ready. I have a meeting with this girl, she is considdering RCIA. She is seventeen, beautiful, and searching. That always amazes me, God’s grace is so abundant.

I heard this, this morning, I am considdering tattooing it on my forhead..

But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, Rm 5:20

Happy Sunday readers~