Yup, it’s seems I have made it through. Like very few others out there that I know, I really like Mondays. Another week, a new day, another chance. I took some initiative on Thursday and did something REALLY hard. But the benefits were incredibly immediate. I feel a pressure had been removed, the weight on my chest lessened dramatically.
It’s sad, I am a little sad, but more or less I am just nothing. The emotions I am so accustomed too are really at a minimum right now. Life will be different but at least I will be able to be free. Free from the discord, the discourse of my hands. I know the sadness will come back the longing, the wishful thinking but I will work as hard as I can be present to what is in front of me, becuase that is justly what I am called to do. My vocation, is my motherhood, my marriage, my commitment to God, to the Youth, to a life lived in moments, encounters.. one at a time.
Over the weekend, I went hiking. It was a terribly stormy weekend and on the west coast, we get them like no place else. But it was cleansing. It was a risk that I felt compelled to take. It was right. We stayed in a cabin, an old style fishing cabin on stilts over looking the ocean. It was so sensory there, the crashing waves, the warmth that only a log cabin can provide, the lush green of old mans beard and moss on every tree, the whipping wind roaring through the trees,when we hiked, it was dangerous and exciting, we were drenched and it was challenging it felt like us against the elements.. I needed that, I need that to snap back into life. It was the breath of God, His wrath and His mercy bestowed upon me.
After the hike, we relaxed in a hot tub, wind and rain and sea and salty air enveloping me right there. The contrasting hot water, and icy rain was a feast on the senses.
I needed exactly that, to stop, to get away from all modern gadgetry, no phone, internet, TV.. Just purity. To recharge my soul. I read and relaxed and spent quality time with my family. No talking, just conversations, easy conversations. Honestly talking. That was so new. I don’t know- I know reality is here, in the present, with the daily grind, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s the moment, the realizations of our origin and of our destiny that makes life truly count. Even the daily grind.
I am ready to work again. I know the darkness will come back and now I also have to deal with the aftermath.. which is a consequence.. of the darkness. I don’t know, I just know for certain that I will be okay. God is here. Even amongst the trial of life, He is here.