..still here, more or less..

Depression sucks, if that’s even what this is. I am listening to Hey Jude, my favorite of all Beatles.. and perfect for this pitiful little day. Everything is pitiful, I can’t even properly be a depressed artist using my angst and agony for the good of my art, becuase blah the words are impossibly knotted up, I haven’t written much in months.

I can’t figure out why that is either I have spend a year in a whimsical writing mode, it has literally flowed, like a a spring flowing steadily through under the earth caverns on a mountain sloping towards the sea, it was relative, part of me.. now it’s as if I have an aversion to words, my vocabulary has shrunk to an impossible kindergarten size.. It sinks, it sucks, I dislike it very much!

Now the song is, All you need is LOVE. Ha- isn’ t that the truth. Or is it, I don’t really know anymore.

My Dh is on a court order to stay away from me, he is miserable, I have been walking around in the shade, my kids are testing me, all that I thought was happening is NOT and frankly I have no idea what I am doing anymore.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

This question is not appropriate today becuase I will only be able to tell you who I am not..

Confident, smart, pretty, capable, friendly, loving, reliable, responsible, happy.. That is what I am not, regardless to what some may say, today, right now I am none of those things.

Well I guess I could say that I am responsible, becuase I have to work tonight and I will go with my fake it till I make it face on. And tomorrow I have a Basket ball tournament to coach and I will wear the mask there too.

Damn why am I so easily influenced and swayed by my emotions? I keep going back and forth between alone disparaged and deeply sad to angry, anxious, melodramatic and completely out of my mind.. holy good Lord the roller-coaster is in over drive these days, give me a bridge I’ll totally jump.

I need to get out of here, I feel like a caged bird- I am claustrophobic and I am in a 4000 square foot house alone.. how is that possible?

I WANT TO BE HERE ->

It’s happening again, my thoughts are so loud, I am trying to drown them out but they are getting all loud again. The internal battle, the fight that goes on inside me, I feel desperate. Do you know why I cut, or why I used to? Because it numbs everything. This is grossly screwed up, I am 30. Why do I feel so out of control. I can’t believe I am this stressed again. I think the last time I cut, it was more because I was on some crazy medication and completely lost. I said no more, but the longing is so intense. I can’t even really tell anyone this becuase what, what on earth will I do, my kids. I have lived a fake life, I am good at faking. I just need to get back on to autopilot. Get going forward. I need to set my gaze. Christ where are you? Help me. Please help me. Bring light into my darkness, illuminate my heart. Pull me from the storm, I beg you Lord, show me your face today. Don’t let them come between us. My temptation is so strong today. I hate being in sin. Every cut brings me right back there. Sin upon sin.

Like yesterday and the rosary, the song that is now playing.. Let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, …..

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, …..

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