..here I am..

Wow, so much time has passed. I have been working on the concept of time with my YG kids. That time doesn”t belong to us, that ultimately we are not in control of the grand theme of time, and more importantly which is so true for me, time causes us to reflect.

Where did the time go?

I think I have  been in a rather depressive state since nearly Oct. It’s the same each year, It was only better that one winter that DH was away but I suppose that was the case because I was better able to manage because he wasn’t at home putting extra pressure on me.

This winter has been worse, even worse than the first one we spent here. I have been caught in a fog, I have been sitting in the valley of tears… He won’t leave me alone. It’s getting so bad again.

The in-laws have proved to be nothing but trouble. They are filled with lies and stories and misconceptions and I am telling you; Never in a million years did I imagine it would be this hard to live with someone else.

I have been on my own basically since I was 16, briefly when I was 17 I moved back in with my parents, but then Dh and I got an apartment, I moved out again, then briefly again for about 3 months before we bought our first house I moved with my parents again.. but since I was 18 I have lived in my own house, taking care of all my needs. I am a pretty responsible person I’d say. I know I’ve made LOTS of mistakes in my life but always I have leaned towards responsibility.

So after this many years, I am still finding it quite difficult having them, the IL’s whom are so incredibly different than me living in my home.

I was thinking about why it’s hard. I have been reflecting on my life, where I have been, where I am, and especially where I am going. I am in the middle of something new and exciting and frankly I am in a place I had never imagined for myself. In a good way I mean.

I guess I am pretty attached to the things in my life. I wish it wasn’t so though, I think I will work on it too. A couple of days ago the Father told us about a conversion story, he told us about a woman, who lived a life a dramatic life filled with the ways of the world but then she experienced something. She had an encounter with Christ through the Divine Mercy. As soon as he said that my eyes pricked, and my heart became silent. St Faustina has been my beacon. She held the lamp that directed my life back into my Fathers arms.

Dear St. Faustina, I have come to know you as a friend. I ask you to plead to the Lord for me the prayer I ask of you. In times of doubt, dear friend, implore the Lord’s Mercy as you did so often here on earth, that I may remember who I am, and to what His mercy has called me.

In times of fear, implore His Mercy that I may ever remember to trust, and trust again, in joy, and in the knowledge that God is preparing me for a beautiful mission.

Please pray dear St. Faustina, that I may never forget that the abyss between my Lord and I has been bridged by His tender mercy. He will continue to be faithful and heal me of anything which stands in the way of His Will. My life is in His Hands.

Thank you dear friend. Pray with me the prayer Our Lord taught you to spread throughout the world; Jesus, I trust in You! Remind all pilgrims of life that if our trust is great, there is no limit to Jesus’ generosity.

Amen.

So anyway this woman, ended her life of ‘things’ and moved into the light of the Lord’s mercy. She is now a missionary in Africa.

Why does that appeal to me so much? So much it confuses me. Like many of the things going on in my life, I am in a state of confusion. I have prayed for guidance and more recently I have been praying for obedience of heart to follow God’s will for myself. In a gentle way I believe He is guiding me. I sometimes wish I could have a more concrete path carved out but as I do have free will the gentle way is there but it’s up to me to follow.

So over the last few months, I have struggled so much to be ‘here’; I am not giving my vocation all my attention. I have moved in the way I do when I am sick. Minimally. That’s sad, it’s a sad existence. I got in deep this time too, I even started taking sleeping pills again. I haven’t needed them in a very long time. I can’t breathe, no matter what I do or how I do it DH is putting me down or ignoring me or being cruel in one of his many ways. It’s just so hard. 

So as spring approaches I feel I can also be renewed. Renewed in the important ways. I know one thing for sure, uncertainty is the death of my sanity.

I need to make a decision. I need to find a way, a path that will enable me to live and breath freely. I need to find a way to get away from him. 

I need order and routine, both of which have been far from my grasp over the last few months.

I love my new job, it’s challenging me in a way I had never anticipated. I am not natural to it at all, which is amazing and humbling. Which is precisely what I need in my life right now. I belong to something that is bigger than this house filled with mismatched people. I have a purpose, I am destined for something far greater than my human mind can comprehend.

Okay no need to get all philosophical. I don’t need to speak abstractly. That’s a pointless way.

I just saw DH, his faced is creased. I know he had a hard night. He plays these little games with me, these cold isolation tendencies, but I know he is suffering. I am empathetic instinctively.

Regardless of his past, our past, I think I will always feel that way. It might be unhealthy, it is unhealthy, but he’s what i know best. Even in our broken way, even though he hurts me so many times over and over, I don’t know I just can’t turn away completely yet.

The thing about that though is maybe our inability to turn away is actually worse than cutting losses now. We are both suffering. It’s obvious. It’s such a hard decision to make.

Well it’s Sunday, a new week is ahead. I can make an effort again, to live simply. Two days ago I was saying grace, a silent prayer to my self and what sprung from my heart surprised me..

I love you Lord, I love you. It was fervent. Like a lover speaking to her beloved. I was surprised.

I think I will keep all movements simple this week, and I will continue to pray for the grace of obedience.

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