What a mess of things I have made. That is in my head everything is a mess, but out side it all looks reasonably the same. Isn’t that always the case with me. Messy inside, perfectly set mask on the outside. I hate all of this, this pressing weight on my chest, the unbearable guilt that colors my thoughts, the darkness surrounding my way.. I am so alone. I am surrounded by people but I am completely alone. It’s the strangest thing.
I cried today for along time, defeated. Lost. Searching. Such a contradiction. I am a living breathing contradiction.
I know this blog is depressing because I mostly only write when I am in too terrible of shape to talk to real people.
I don’t know how to get out, but I want to be free. Free from the oppression, free from the madness. Am I sick?
I have no idea anymore.
I went to the church tonight, I prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet. For a few moments I felt that freedom. I felt clearer than I had the entire day. I felt the love of a Father that could only come in that way. I felt that He loves me, the way I am, and that love that I search for is not going to come in an earthly way but only will it be giving to me by the one that created me. I felt hope. I felt awakened to the fact that my suffering is serving a far greater purpose than I will ever have made known. That I should use it to help someone else.
Then like the weak sick person that I truly am I lost my confidence. I am sinful but more importantly I am filled with sorrow.
During today’s Homily, something stuck me. Remember that lady I wrote about this morning? Father spoke about her in his homily. The very last thing he said that I can’t separate from my mind, and I suspect is fulling this reflective mood I am in, was that now, now that she is loving a serving God, she makes choices based on her love for her Father, her father in heaven. She considered whether she would please him by her actions, or not. If she would not please Him, than she would rather avoid the thing, what ever the thing was she was considering doing. I have been thinking about my life, my life right now and boy oh boy, soooooo many of the things I am doing and thinking I think would be very displeasing to God.
Yup I think that’s it, now that I’ve typed it out. I am feeling very remorseful today, about the current status of my heart, about my life, my intentions, little tiny cuts. I need to turn away from my past, it’s over, it doesn’t correspond to me at all anymore. I need to risk. I need to trust God.
Like St. Faustina asks, like she encourages us I should say, I need to Trust in God.
I got this little prayer card yesterday, it’s got a picture of Fr. Giussani like the one above and on it and it reads…
In the simplicity of my heart I have gladly given You everything.
Again that struck me. It seems lately at every turn Christ is there. See what I mean about a walking contradiction. In my loneliness, in my sadness, in my work, in my friends, in my challenges.. he is asking me for my hand. I am turning away again and again, like a scared little lamb. Sometimes it feels like there is a battle raging for my soul, light and darkness fighting for me from within.
I need to risk everything and trust Him. I don’t have a simple heart, not yet.