..one step forward, two steps back..

That’s the sort of day I had yesterday. It started well, went to mass, was moved by the homily, was fed spiritually- yep, started out great.. Came home, had a mild interaction with dh and then he left- still going well. I got actual stuff acomplished, paying bills my most dreaded chore. I  had a good conversation, felt very affirmed and yes even dare I say it.. I even started to relax.

Then *POP* an idea, a seemingly lodgical idea litteraly popped right into my head.

I wonder if DH is having another affair?

Let’s look at this, he is on his lap top alone in his room, ALOT. He gives me a hard time when I want to use said laptop. He is consatanly angry with me and recently has taken to accusing me of being the cheating party. He disappears and does not answer his phone, and carries cash. (my guess is to avoid my knowing where he is spending his money)

Okay there is a few more things than that but those are the things I am calling to mind presently..

After a while at my desk yesterday he came home and we ‘talked’. He was mostly the talking party, trying in his best overwhelming way to make me see my darkness.. I broke as I usually do about half way though. Such trader tears, so hot and thick. Those are the worst kind. But there was a silver lining in all of that and there is almost each time a silver lining lately anyways, I see more clearly whom he is. I don’t think I really ever knew him, not truly much in the same way as he never truly knew me.  I only like the idea of him, that realization has come forward, and it’s liberating.

After a while It was time for me to go, so I went. I met up with one of my girlfriends and we went running. We didn’t talk much, I just raced, I listened to the steading drum of my heart and the squish of my shoes over the muddy floor. It was physical elation, I could have ran for days yesterday. And as we entered the home stretch we talked, I talked and she listened with an openness and the encouragement of a true friend. I felt lifted. I was lifted. As I move out if his shadow, it happens. Light fills my heart and I go on.

That is what I imagine for myself, a world outside of darkness. A world free from the long shadow he casts. I know when I speak of him in this light it seems rather melodramatic, it’s not dramatic though because drama presents us with a sense of humanity, this case my life is tragic rather. It’s a fair tragedy the things that have passed, with all the material graciousness being spoiled by the tragic denial of the truth, the denial of what is good and loving and in a sense what is reality.

I coached my first game of the season yesterday and we won 34 to 20. It was a great opening game, the kids were joyful and parents were happy and I was very proud of their efforts. I went home to prepare a meal to share with my family, after dinner I let my BIL handle the clean up and I provided his dinner as well and I continued on to finish the bookkeeping I had started earlier. That night I had a good snuggle with each of my children, had a very long, and very hot shower, watched a program on Discovery then swiftly went to sleep. It was easy to fall asleep, I don’t think I even finished my prayers before I was out.

I don’t know maybe it wasn’t one step forward two back, maybe I made more progress yesterday than I thought??


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