I voiced a desire this morning, the one true desire that most vehemently corresponds with my heart. I know that my calling is to motherhood, I do not no if my vocation is any longer to be married. Possibly I would have fit wondrously if I had let God guide me when I was younger, but in taking my life into my own hands, I chose wrong. Free will, the freedom to in some cases choose wrongly.
As I have indeed written before, God is merciful and He knows our lives before we live them. And always, He is ready to accept us back home. It is only with His grace that we may truly be able to come home. This past year has been a turbulent journey, I have been walking the stretch of road in which the lush meadows of life and truth and love are now in my line of site, the horizon holds many good things. I have journeyed in the shadows of pain and suffering, I have journeyed in the abyss of despair, I have journeyed in the caverns of pain and loneliness but now with His bountiful grace, I am coming back into the light.
Today I openly expressed a desire, I have decided to leave my husband. His brokenness can no longer control or hurt me, I am angry with him for the first time in our 14 years together. I am hurt with out blaming myself, I am sad because this is not what I wanted, but I am hopeful and trusting God that He will see me through. I will take things one day at a time, but I am done with the idea of marriage.
On the New Years day mass, I quietly consecrated my self to Mary, that from this point onwards the things I do in my life with be done for her and for the glory of her son, Jesus. This is what fulfills my heart.
I voiced my desire to do missionary work, I have quietly desired this for a while and then today during a conversation, a private conversation it came up and I said Yes. This is true. This is what I want. Not right now of course, as my first priority will be raising up my children to become good, loving, gental, productive, kind hearted, hard working people. I have nine years left before they leave home. I will be attentive every second, every moment I can to fulfill my obligation ( and I mean that in the most loving way) to raise them. Then when I am able I will go. God has giving me specific gifts, I want to use them to the best of my ability.
This is sad, the end of my marriage. I will grieve it’s loss. I will pray for healing, and a smooth transition. But ultimately the truth is, it’s over but I am not over. I am only just beginning.