The road to hell is paved with good intentions. The problem is that intentions which are based on faulty assumptions are doomed to failure.
Hmm, does that seem rather depressing? It’s true though. I think I am safely off that path now, well not completely and my time to mourn will come but despite all the good intentions I could muster.. my fate is not as I once thought.
That makes me sad to be truthful. After about a years worth of indecisiveness. I have concluded I will go. My life is in a very precarious way at the moment. My Dh is watching my every move, I can not breath, I am desperately unhappy, and I am scared.
I have slackened my attentiveness to the written thought/share process. It seems as we are right in the middle of my grey area, I am putting all my energy into living, which currently translates into surviving, in the most minimal way possible. The fog is heavy, the tears are hot, the temper is capped and the sadness is wrapped around me like I am the host needed for its impending survival.
There’s some good logic, I am a host, a shell of a person going about my day in a near robotic trance, being told what to do, what not to do, what to think, what to eat, what to wear, what not to, who to speak to.. No that’s not accurate, there is only passive aggressive comments meant to chip away slowly at my self esteem so that I might become the never forgotten but long gone submissive housewife. He is messing with my mind, everyday.
How pathetic. Depression sucks. The last few days have been particularly heavy. I am struggling so much, and I am fairly sure even with out the existential irritations that plague me, I’d still be this way based solely on the fact that I am a very unhappy individual, without the appropriate amount of vitamin D in my system.
I think I will try to write again, every day even if it will only be for a few minutes. My life isn’t truly horrible, so I will try to pick out some of the good things to write about. Count my blessings, so as to keep the light alive.
I got a job, it’s one that excites me, that intrigues me and where God willing I will find some amount of happiness and purpose. It’s starts tomorrow. So I will try to sleep, to increase my buoyancy, for another day.
Be well Readers, Happy New Year!