Release me. I am free. Well sort of.
It’s Sunday, the baptism was yesterday afternoon. It went very, very well. My new little baby God daughter is a child of Christ, the light of Christ shines vibrantly in her heart of hearts. I am so happy to have been part of her special sacrament. I hope forever more I can help her in her faith journey and helper as she grows to become more stronger in her faith. It’s a lovely responsibility.
Over all the entire day went really well and after all the stress and turmoil in which we even added too on Friday evening, I found peace in Christ. I went to see him last night, and was refilled. It’s amazing to have had that experience after that darkness from the weeks before.
I am tired today, my body’s starting to catch up, the adrenaline that fuels me under the pressures of a time crunch or a commitments like yesterdays catering, or what ever it may be has been spent. With out the adrenaline all that is left is me. Quiet me.
It’s better this way. I had been thinking about my life as usual, reflecting upon my actions, my will and my desires. Yesterday during the babies baptism as we too renewed our baptismal promises, I thought about my path, particularly whether I have been faithful to Gods plan for me. I asked him last night to guide me, to come to me somehow so that I would know which way to go. I didn’t pray with many words last night, I just sat quietly, adoring Jesus.
This morning, as I was listening to Fr’s Homily, he was speaking about St. John the Baptist and again about baptism and again about turning away from the evils that have been formed in us. He told us to turn to God, completely because only with God is life really possible. I know I could interpret that homily several different ways, part of me was listening and thinking about DH, thinking that it is him whom needs to change his path, thinking that, I hope he is hearing these words about oppression and living a corrupt life.. He oppresses me. He can be incredibly cruel, and he struggles so much, with so such hurt and brokenness that like the people of the world that suffer under the regime of Communism, the people that justify their negative actions because it’s all that can be done in times of trial that, due to the history of experiences, which have formed there minds morally, dh too lives with a moral compass that is off kilter. He at times can be good, he works hard and has good intentions but it’s his brokenness that creates the hard line in him. I am just not sure that I am the one that is compatible with him any longer. It pains me so very much to admit that, because I have never entertained true thoughts of a life without him until now. I don’t know how to be, with out him. But like the time during mass when we wish each other Peace, he can not look at me, nor will he, because he doesn’t truly want peace for me..
So as I sat listening to Fr. speak his homily, I prayed fervently for Dh’s heart to be touched, for God to come claim him fully as he did yesterday to my sweet little niece. Isn’t that though, what we all want, for God to take hold of our hearts and truly hold them tight. Isn’t that what he does to each of us when we ask?
Then on the complete other hand, I can look at myself while listening to the very same homily and ask my self similar questions? What path am I on? Do I turn fully to Christ and take his path? Sometimes yes, though I too, stumble often. I don’t want to get all philosophical about it, i just know that right now I feel as though I am at a cross roads and I haven’t made a decision yet, but i feel confident that no matter what i choose I will be okay, I have friends that love me, I entrust my life to God, I am physically capable to work hard and no matter what I choose no matter what happens in my material life, what trials I face I will survive and I will be okay.
It’s strange the peace that is in my heart. I know that is a gift from God, his grace astounds me.
Well, I better stop writing, my MIL is here, My cranky SIL Z is here, the regular IL’s that live here are here, and DH (whom surprised me Friday night) is also here. I have a pretty messy house right now after our party, so I suppose I can get onto that.. we went down town and picked up some underthings, long johns and new mits for next week. I can’t wait to go up the the mountain. I hope you readers have a blessed Second Sunday of Advent, may you all be filled with peace.