..sweet Sunday..

Release me. I am free. Well sort of.

It’s Sunday, the baptism was yesterday afternoon. It went very, very well. My new little baby God daughter is a child of Christ, the light of Christ shines vibrantly in her heart of hearts. I am so happy to have been part of her special sacrament. I hope forever more I can help her in her faith journey and helper as she grows to become more stronger in her faith. It’s a lovely responsibility.

Over all the entire day went really well and after all the stress and turmoil in which we even added too on Friday evening, I found peace in Christ. I went to see him last night, and was refilled. It’s amazing to have had that experience after that darkness from the weeks before.

I am tired today, my body’s starting to catch up, the adrenaline that fuels me under the pressures of a time crunch or a commitments like yesterdays catering, or what ever it may be has been spent. With out the adrenaline all that is left is me. Quiet me.

It’s better this way. I had been thinking about my life as usual, reflecting upon my actions, my will and my desires. Yesterday during the babies baptism as we too renewed our baptismal promises, I thought about my path, particularly whether I have been faithful to Gods plan for me. I asked him last night to guide me, to come to me somehow so that I would know which way to go. I didn’t pray with many words last night, I just sat quietly, adoring Jesus.

This morning, as I was listening to Fr’s Homily, he was speaking about St. John the Baptist and again about baptism and again about turning away from the evils that have been formed in us. He told us to turn to God, completely because only with God is life really possible. I know I could interpret that homily several different ways, part of me was listening and thinking about DH, thinking that it is him whom needs to change his path, thinking that, I hope he is hearing these words about oppression and living a corrupt life.. He oppresses me. He can be incredibly cruel, and he struggles so much, with so such hurt and brokenness that like the people of the world that suffer under the regime of Communism, the people that justify their negative actions because it’s all that can be done in times of trial that, due to the history of experiences, which have formed there minds morally, dh too lives with a moral compass that is off kilter. He at times can be good, he works hard and has good intentions but it’s his brokenness that creates the hard line in him. I am just not sure that I am the one that is compatible with him any longer. It pains me so very much to admit that, because I have never entertained true thoughts of a life without him until now. I don’t know how to be, with out him. But like the time during mass when we wish each other Peace, he can not look at me, nor will he, because he doesn’t truly want peace for me..

So as I sat listening to Fr. speak his homily, I prayed fervently for Dh’s heart to be touched, for God to come claim him fully as he did yesterday to my sweet little niece. Isn’t that though, what we all want, for God to take hold of our hearts and truly hold them tight. Isn’t that what he does to each of us when we ask?

Then on the complete other hand, I can look at myself while listening to the very same homily and ask my self similar questions? What path am I on? Do I turn fully to Christ and take his path? Sometimes yes, though I too, stumble often. I don’t want to get all philosophical about it, i just know that right now I feel as though I am at a cross roads and I haven’t made a decision yet, but i feel confident that no matter what i choose I will be okay, I have friends that love me, I entrust my life to God, I am physically capable to work hard and no matter what I choose no matter what happens in my material life, what trials I face I will survive and I will be okay.

It’s strange the peace that is in my heart. I know that is a gift from God, his grace astounds me.

Well, I better stop writing, my MIL is here, My cranky SIL Z is here, the regular IL’s that live here are here, and DH (whom surprised me Friday night) is also here.  I have a pretty messy house right now after our party, so I suppose I can get onto that.. we went down town and picked up some underthings, long johns and new mits for next week. I can’t wait to go up the the mountain. I hope you readers have a blessed Second Sunday of Advent, may you all be filled with peace.

..and the bad luck continues..

Seriously, I mean really, what on earth is going on? Am I missing the bigger pictures here, or am I seriously loosing it? Another “bad” thing happened. I dropped my brand new cell phone into my washing machine as it was filling with water, the lid was open becuase I was waiting for it to fill so I could add bleach but at the same time I was ~ Holy Cow, I think I got it..

I am in a bit of a spiritual battle, But it’s not my soul I am fighting for but O’s my nieces!

Is that not what it HAS to be?? I was leaning over the washing machine, to get at my laundry room window which I was preparing to wash in preparation for the arrival of all my guests on Saturday for HER BAPTISM!

Holy cow. Did this exact same thing not happen to me before in other similar situations when sacraments where getting closer!! I am soo sure that’s what it is.

Everything, my back again (to make it harder to do the work I need to do), the kitchen ceiling (to make it harder to do the work I need to do in there, what else there are tons of little things.

I know that sounds CRAZY, it kind of is but I just know it.

Little O’s soul is ready for God, and in two days she will be a true child of Christ.

“The Devil has already lost. But the Devil is trying to take as many with him as he can, apparently just to hurt God. And however much the Devil succeeds in doing this, God hurts — like a parent does over losing a child. This sort of spite is very much in keeping with the Devil’s character. Satan is a leech; he is so lacking in life that the only life he has left is what he can suck out of the living.”

It’s time once again to turn fully to Christ, As in the words of St. Paul to the Ephesians;

The Armor of God

 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

 Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Is it any coincidence that I lit a candle on Tuesday and prayed to St. Micheal the Archangel, to protect us and our house and then leak has mysteriously stopped, the house seems fine now but it’s me that’s having the internal battle. I am the one that’s still at war. Novena time!!

 

..Jinx..

Do you believe in jinxes? How about curses? If you would have asked me that awhile back I probably would have answered with a firm NO! Now though I admit, my no is a little bit quieter. I am just not sure. Is that the way a jinx or a curse takes you down, becuase you let it with resignation??

It’s 12 minutes after 5 am. I have been awake most of the night tossing and turning, in too much pain to sleep. Thoughts have been whirling so fast in my brain and  I don’t have any finality to anything. I feel out of it, like I am treading water again simply trying to stay afloat. Too much in every-direction. That’s the problem, and I am not sure at all how to get to shore..

I guess I’ll start where it gets obvious. So a little update,

It’s December 2, my baby boy will be 12 in ten days,

My Dh and I are still struggling, I am constantly in fight or flight mode with him,

I have Dh’s brother, new wife and 4 month old baby girl living with us, (these people stress me out to no end due to there, petty thievery, immaturity, and laziness),

My girl whom I love to pieces is about the only one right now that no matter what -gives love with out hesitation, but her heart on the sleeve attitude worries me as each day she carries a new cross, she does with love and kindness something which I know many adults struggle with,

I have a baptism in three days which needs a luncheon prepared for 2o people, I have gotten no where with any planning, I don’t even have the materials I need to finish prepping,

I threw my back out AGAIN. I type again in caps becuase it’s been over a month now that I have been in some sort of pain, now though it’s effecting everything, my ability to function, to run which seems to be the only thing holding my mental health together, to even make decisions, I am crabby becuase I hurt!

My dishwasher died, It’s toast all I can think about is my lazy in-laws and how they don’t wash dishes properly, I don’t know why they don’t either? It’s not cool the amount of stuff they try and get by me, as if I am some warden over seeing a concentration camp rather than a mother running a very large household.

Two days ago, my kitchen ceiling sprung a leak. A significant leak, one in which at this point the cause is undetermined, but all I can think about is black mold forming in moist insulation and drywall.

Dh is in camp, under normal circumstances this would not stress me out at all but with the IL’s living here and acting so juvenile my work load has increased rather than decreased. As I am typing I am feeling more and more overwhelmed, this is not supposed to happen as I type I am supposed to be letting it all go. I think I need to cry in defeat, How do people struggle with chronic pain, that why I am loosing it I am sure. It hurts too friggin much, Yes I just cursed. That so you know the seriousness of it, because I never curse!

Yesterday the City Bylaw people came to my door, we are in trouble for having our travel trailer parked in the front yard along the street, but since dh is away there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t move the thing as its just too big. Same with Dh’s work trucks, they are not allowed to be parked in our side yard, technically that is city property even though it’s nothing but swamp and where there is grass, who mows it? Not the city that’s for sure.

Then there is Dh again, I guess he can be on here twice. I have all of this going on and rather than be kind or even civil he has to give me the riot act. As if the leak in the roof is my fault, or I am too stupid to fix it right now. What is that? HE has no idea what it would be like to walk in my shoes.

And lastly but certainly not with out its own incredible merits, I need more money. ILs are causing us to significantly go under. Our groceries alone have increased nearly a thousand each month. You might find that rather shocking but both of them eat in a very gluttonous way. It’s disturbing. The inconsidderate way they do everything is soooo hard to witness, I am trying sooooooooo hard to shelter my children but on mornings like this one I feel so defeated.

So here I sit, I have a day ahead that will not be peaceful in the least, I am going to take my Dd to an appointment in a town away from here. Her ears are hurting again, she has just recovered from a bout of strep that was quite bad actually, this appointment is with her specialist so I am glad at least the right person for the job with be checking her out. 

Since I can not trust my IL’s to be near my children with out damaging their minds I am taking my son with me as well. Isn’t that sad they are so completely untrustworthy that I have had to install key locks on both my bedroom door, and my office door for when I am out of the house, I can not leave either of my children in there care becuase mentally they are no more responsible than my 9 year old, I say that because I actually think that my 11 year is more responsible that both of them.

An example of the crap I deal with constantly.

Yesterday I was typing out an email, I was trying to get the computer stuff I needed to do over with as I found it really hard to sit here. (still do but my frustration is more than my pain this morning) I dished out my children there dinner, we said our prayers, I made sure they had everything they needed then I came back to finish, it’s rare that I do something like this but whatever my kids were fine. The ILs were at the table too.

I made a really nice pot roast for dinner with roasted potatoes and onions and corn. I cut up some pickles as well to go on the table. I thought is was a rather nice dinner, after having the bylaw guy here, then the plumber, I just wanted to finish my computer stuff so I could sit and actually enjoy my dinner.

Okay maybe 15 minutes later I was done, I went to get my dinner and my sister in law was getting up for more. She took the remainder of the meat… (while I was in the office I heard them fighting over it, and rudely I heard my BIL take some off his wife’s plate, I actually went out there and asked them to please mind their manners in front of my children, after all when they first got here, they couldn’t even be bothered to say please or thank you, or even speak in complete sentences, I witnessed grunting and gestures becuase mouths were full!!! What is THAT!!!????)

 Okay so back to last night, when I went to get a piece of meat, and there was none she kindly offered some off her plate, the plate she has finished already and was coming up for seconds with. I declined for obvious reasons, I sometimes doubt whether their state of cleanliness is actually acceptable but hey- I have to pick my battles.

I ate some potatoes, onions and corn, No biggy. I’m not a huge fan of most types of meat anyhow. I got to the table as BIL took the last pickle too. I said hey you guys ate all the pickles he said yeah but I’ll get some more, I again kindly replied actually there is no more, that was the last of them. He said oh, oh well then. WTF? Okay so dinner was okay, I was nourished I guess. They took the clean up that night, I get my kids going with our evening routine, I had to ask BIL to keep the TV off yet again. I have a no media rule after dinner, my kids just get too wound up if there are stimulants.

Then the very most irritating thing that BIL did to really make me go grey… The kids and I were in the office, each night before they go to bed they talk to there dad on MSN, that how we can communicate in this particular camp. Ds was standing at the door to the office and the hallway and saw his uncle going UPSTAIRS with a CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE. I NEVER EVER allow food upstairs. NEVER it’s one the the rules that I have always had and I am not bending it for the  IL’s. So Ds, said to BIL, “you are not allowed to eat upstairs, Mom will get mad”. I heard this of course so I said, come down here please there is no food allowed upstairs. Then you won’t believe what BIL said to me in defence! He actually said, well Ds had an orange it the computer room this afternoon! OKAY AGAIN WTF!!!! A. what does one thing have to do with another and B. who is the adult?

This is the kind of intelligent arguments I have to live with EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I’m just getting so tired of them completely disrespecting all of our stuff, they are big people I think BIL is about 350lbs and SIL is probably 200lbs, they lay around playing video games spilling stuff on my couches, I can’t count how many broken floor boards there are, how many things have gone “missing” since they have moved here, how many things accidentally have gotten broken, its too much. Today I feel it’s too much. Maybe I am not jinxed or cursed and maybe this is exactly what I deserve. I know God is always working in out lives, I know this is some great lesson for me, but I just feel as though I am missing the point, I am getting repeatedly consumed with irritations and anger. How can I possibly carry this cross???????? It’s crushing me. I keep stumbling and I am breaking inside.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Symbolicly that felt good. And I know my life isn’t terrible, for one thing I know I am loved and that goes along way when you are facing adversity, I have a few good dependable friends, I am a hard worker and when all else fails I know at least I will have what it takes to do what I must, I am coaching a team of middle school kids something I have always enjoyed and secretly I am over the moon to do it because I have a competitiveness inside myself and I find it really fun, I have two very good kids that each take ownership of half my heart, I love them both dearly and think they are true gifts from God, I am very excited for Christmas, the waiting, the expectation, I love all of it.

Okay in order to move mountains I suppose I need to do so one pebble at a time and I must have alot of faith. I will try and keep that in mind. If you actually read to the end of this, well thanks for listening to another tale from my crazy life!