Do you believe in jinxes? How about curses? If you would have asked me that awhile back I probably would have answered with a firm NO! Now though I admit, my no is a little bit quieter. I am just not sure. Is that the way a jinx or a curse takes you down, becuase you let it with resignation??
It’s 12 minutes after 5 am. I have been awake most of the night tossing and turning, in too much pain to sleep. Thoughts have been whirling so fast in my brain and I don’t have any finality to anything. I feel out of it, like I am treading water again simply trying to stay afloat. Too much in every-direction. That’s the problem, and I am not sure at all how to get to shore..
I guess I’ll start where it gets obvious. So a little update,
It’s December 2, my baby boy will be 12 in ten days,
My Dh and I are still struggling, I am constantly in fight or flight mode with him,
I have Dh’s brother, new wife and 4 month old baby girl living with us, (these people stress me out to no end due to there, petty thievery, immaturity, and laziness),
My girl whom I love to pieces is about the only one right now that no matter what -gives love with out hesitation, but her heart on the sleeve attitude worries me as each day she carries a new cross, she does with love and kindness something which I know many adults struggle with,
I have a baptism in three days which needs a luncheon prepared for 2o people, I have gotten no where with any planning, I don’t even have the materials I need to finish prepping,
I threw my back out AGAIN. I type again in caps becuase it’s been over a month now that I have been in some sort of pain, now though it’s effecting everything, my ability to function, to run which seems to be the only thing holding my mental health together, to even make decisions, I am crabby becuase I hurt!
My dishwasher died, It’s toast all I can think about is my lazy in-laws and how they don’t wash dishes properly, I don’t know why they don’t either? It’s not cool the amount of stuff they try and get by me, as if I am some warden over seeing a concentration camp rather than a mother running a very large household.
Two days ago, my kitchen ceiling sprung a leak. A significant leak, one in which at this point the cause is undetermined, but all I can think about is black mold forming in moist insulation and drywall.
Dh is in camp, under normal circumstances this would not stress me out at all but with the IL’s living here and acting so juvenile my work load has increased rather than decreased. As I am typing I am feeling more and more overwhelmed, this is not supposed to happen as I type I am supposed to be letting it all go. I think I need to cry in defeat, How do people struggle with chronic pain, that why I am loosing it I am sure. It hurts too friggin much, Yes I just cursed. That so you know the seriousness of it, because I never curse!
Yesterday the City Bylaw people came to my door, we are in trouble for having our travel trailer parked in the front yard along the street, but since dh is away there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t move the thing as its just too big. Same with Dh’s work trucks, they are not allowed to be parked in our side yard, technically that is city property even though it’s nothing but swamp and where there is grass, who mows it? Not the city that’s for sure.
Then there is Dh again, I guess he can be on here twice. I have all of this going on and rather than be kind or even civil he has to give me the riot act. As if the leak in the roof is my fault, or I am too stupid to fix it right now. What is that? HE has no idea what it would be like to walk in my shoes.
And lastly but certainly not with out its own incredible merits, I need more money. ILs are causing us to significantly go under. Our groceries alone have increased nearly a thousand each month. You might find that rather shocking but both of them eat in a very gluttonous way. It’s disturbing. The inconsidderate way they do everything is soooo hard to witness, I am trying sooooooooo hard to shelter my children but on mornings like this one I feel so defeated.
So here I sit, I have a day ahead that will not be peaceful in the least, I am going to take my Dd to an appointment in a town away from here. Her ears are hurting again, she has just recovered from a bout of strep that was quite bad actually, this appointment is with her specialist so I am glad at least the right person for the job with be checking her out.
Since I can not trust my IL’s to be near my children with out damaging their minds I am taking my son with me as well. Isn’t that sad they are so completely untrustworthy that I have had to install key locks on both my bedroom door, and my office door for when I am out of the house, I can not leave either of my children in there care becuase mentally they are no more responsible than my 9 year old, I say that because I actually think that my 11 year is more responsible that both of them.
An example of the crap I deal with constantly.
Yesterday I was typing out an email, I was trying to get the computer stuff I needed to do over with as I found it really hard to sit here. (still do but my frustration is more than my pain this morning) I dished out my children there dinner, we said our prayers, I made sure they had everything they needed then I came back to finish, it’s rare that I do something like this but whatever my kids were fine. The ILs were at the table too.
I made a really nice pot roast for dinner with roasted potatoes and onions and corn. I cut up some pickles as well to go on the table. I thought is was a rather nice dinner, after having the bylaw guy here, then the plumber, I just wanted to finish my computer stuff so I could sit and actually enjoy my dinner.
Okay maybe 15 minutes later I was done, I went to get my dinner and my sister in law was getting up for more. She took the remainder of the meat… (while I was in the office I heard them fighting over it, and rudely I heard my BIL take some off his wife’s plate, I actually went out there and asked them to please mind their manners in front of my children, after all when they first got here, they couldn’t even be bothered to say please or thank you, or even speak in complete sentences, I witnessed grunting and gestures becuase mouths were full!!! What is THAT!!!????)
Okay so back to last night, when I went to get a piece of meat, and there was none she kindly offered some off her plate, the plate she has finished already and was coming up for seconds with. I declined for obvious reasons, I sometimes doubt whether their state of cleanliness is actually acceptable but hey- I have to pick my battles.
I ate some potatoes, onions and corn, No biggy. I’m not a huge fan of most types of meat anyhow. I got to the table as BIL took the last pickle too. I said hey you guys ate all the pickles he said yeah but I’ll get some more, I again kindly replied actually there is no more, that was the last of them. He said oh, oh well then. WTF? Okay so dinner was okay, I was nourished I guess. They took the clean up that night, I get my kids going with our evening routine, I had to ask BIL to keep the TV off yet again. I have a no media rule after dinner, my kids just get too wound up if there are stimulants.
Then the very most irritating thing that BIL did to really make me go grey… The kids and I were in the office, each night before they go to bed they talk to there dad on MSN, that how we can communicate in this particular camp. Ds was standing at the door to the office and the hallway and saw his uncle going UPSTAIRS with a CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE. I NEVER EVER allow food upstairs. NEVER it’s one the the rules that I have always had and I am not bending it for the IL’s. So Ds, said to BIL, “you are not allowed to eat upstairs, Mom will get mad”. I heard this of course so I said, come down here please there is no food allowed upstairs. Then you won’t believe what BIL said to me in defence! He actually said, well Ds had an orange it the computer room this afternoon! OKAY AGAIN WTF!!!! A. what does one thing have to do with another and B. who is the adult?
This is the kind of intelligent arguments I have to live with EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
I’m just getting so tired of them completely disrespecting all of our stuff, they are big people I think BIL is about 350lbs and SIL is probably 200lbs, they lay around playing video games spilling stuff on my couches, I can’t count how many broken floor boards there are, how many things have gone “missing” since they have moved here, how many things accidentally have gotten broken, its too much. Today I feel it’s too much. Maybe I am not jinxed or cursed and maybe this is exactly what I deserve. I know God is always working in out lives, I know this is some great lesson for me, but I just feel as though I am missing the point, I am getting repeatedly consumed with irritations and anger. How can I possibly carry this cross???????? It’s crushing me. I keep stumbling and I am breaking inside.
Symbolicly that felt good. And I know my life isn’t terrible, for one thing I know I am loved and that goes along way when you are facing adversity, I have a few good dependable friends, I am a hard worker and when all else fails I know at least I will have what it takes to do what I must, I am coaching a team of middle school kids something I have always enjoyed and secretly I am over the moon to do it because I have a competitiveness inside myself and I find it really fun, I have two very good kids that each take ownership of half my heart, I love them both dearly and think they are true gifts from God, I am very excited for Christmas, the waiting, the expectation, I love all of it.
Okay in order to move mountains I suppose I need to do so one pebble at a time and I must have alot of faith. I will try and keep that in mind. If you actually read to the end of this, well thanks for listening to another tale from my crazy life!