Well I guess I have a bit of time, now to write out what I wanted to talk about.
It’s funny gut instincts or premonitions or what ever you might call it, but Dh just called. I just knew he was going to and I just didn’t want to lie so that’s why I decided to come home.
I don’t want to lie anymore. Yesterday I was talking to Dd about little sins, well sort of we were talking about what happens when you dismiss little things that you do wrong, because they aren’t that bad.. I told her after awhile, you won’t notice them anymore, and a little while after that you won’t even think they are sins anymore, then when something bigger happens.. then what.. you won’t think that’s so bad either.. and it will go on and on.
That’s what I do. I make justifications or excuses little lies here to avoid a fight, a little lie here to keep myself out of trouble.. That’s not so bad.. But it is. Lies are lies. I don’t want to do it any more. I lie to Dh so he doesn’t yell at me. I hate having to do that. I can’t really do much with out him getting mad, he is upset if I take too long at the grocery store or I take the kids to visit a friend. It’s really hard. But a Lie is a Lie. I don’t want to do it anymore.
I have also been thinking about poverty, about dying as you put it to all the things I so dearly want. I have these ideals and they are very hard to let go of, but I must. I must every single day put myself before the Lord and beg him to be present to me. To have mercy on my soul and to help me put this right.
As much as I am nervous about this afternoon, I can’t wait either. I just want to confess it all, the cutting has been the thing I have been hiding all these month, I am really ashamed of my self and now I want to give all of it to God. I am nothing with out Him. And today I feel pretty lonely.
I get distracted so easily. I have so many dramas in my life that it’s easy to become overwhelmed sometimes this confusion sets upon me and I feel suffocated. The worst part of this constriction, is literal. I am constricted. I can move. I am paralyzed.
I know this is depressing but it’s my life. I ask God for direction, but even when I receive answers, i ignore them.
On Sunday I was talking to God, It was the moment of Consecration, I was deep in prayer and He told me straight to my heart,
“How can you love him, who doesn’t love Me?”
There is nothing stopping Dh from giving himself to God, I even asked him as kindly as I could what his barrier was, he didn’t want to discuss it. He started to get angry so I dropped the matter.
I don’t love my husband, I deeply recent him for making me feel useless. He acts as though I am worthless to him. I can not be with him, when I don’t love him. He is miserable and he thinks it’s my fault.
I don’t know a life without him, I am scared for him, I am scared for me.