..disappointed..

Good Morning Readers,

I have been up for awhile today just listening to the rain. I love the sound, it’s very soothing.

I think I am okay again, what ever it is that happens to me for that while (the extreme emotions) they have subsided. I should be fine now. I talked to Dh again last night, as if we wouldn’t right.

I asked him two days ago for a separation. He is adamant though that I do not really want to leave, he thinks I am hormonal so that’s why I am bringing this up.

Umm NO!

I am maybe less tolerant of him when I feel like that, so I can handle much less but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Anyhow it’s the same story as before, he doesn’t want me to go. I am angry a little bit. This is new though because I am angry at him. Not for any past transgressions, but for ruining all of it in general. I am incredibly disappointed that I will be no longer married. All those years ago even if it was not technically before God, I still meant it. I never planned to be a single parent, I never wanted that for my children. It’s sad and disappointing. I am actually angry at him.

It has to be obvious. When people start as young as we did over time both persons will change, grow up, mature.. I am very different than I was all those years ago, I think I am better for it, I am a more complete person now. I may have issues with my moods but I have identified them, who wouldn’t – being abused, physically, sexually, physiologically for such a long, long time. It feels like it’s always been this way and I am so, so tired of feeling all of this. I am thankful that I have that awareness, I am trying to control it better. I am disappointed that as we’ve matured we have also grown so far apart that there is no common ground.

I’m not sure that, that actually is his fault, but none the less that fact does not make it any less disappointing. So my kids are suffering either way, whether I stay and live unhappily or I go and they are being sacrificed because I won’t always physically be there for them. That’s what’s most sad to me. We made a choice one that I did my best to uphold. I didn’t want anyone else raising my children. No day-cares, no babysitters. I am involved with everything they do, I love it that way.

I know recently I have started to do things with out them, my running for instance that is purely for me. CL too, that is purely for me. Even coming to daily mass, that is also purely for me. With the exception of CL I think that the running and Mass help me to be a better mother. CL I think is helpful over all, but in a more abstract way. It’s a direction for me to go spiritually. In addition to my daily life. It’s more like a constant shepherding onto the path of goodness. That may seem like a silly description, but I am filled with positive notions regarding the teachings. It’s all about goodness and beauty in the world, it’s about being fully aware of our purpose which is a gift from God, it’s about constantly remaining with Christ in every moment and with my depressive tendencies sometimes I really need that. Something tangible. CL makes my faith tangible.

So I made the choice and in the beginning when it was hard, I didn’t quit, give up, or even do a lack luster job, I gave 100% always. Now that it’s time to enjoy the fruits of that hard work, now that they are older and we have a relationship together and they are going to need me more intellectually than physically HE is going to take it away? No.

I am very disappointed.

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