Over the past months, I have spent a lot of time reading, reflecting, and preparing for a life lived in a new and attentive way. I’d say more than the average person struggling through daily life I am searching. I am searching for an Experience. I am searching for the experience, the realization that He is present. That I am here, for a reason. That I am seeing the world in all it’s true glory the way God has created it, with me in mind from the beginning of time.

Our world today is one of confusion, chaos, bewilderment and discord. That is the way Satan wants it. Divide and conquer. He is dividing nations, peoples, government’s, families, spouses, siblings, hearts… We are in such a state of confusion it truly is a wonder that I am still here searching. Do you know why? I think I do. I think that, like all of you, even though many don’t notice it, I see that my heart does not correspond to the discord. I notice that my heart has a place, and that this world is NOT it.

In the very beginning of the booklet the introductory paragraph Fr Julian Carron states this; ” We all know how needy we are for this energy (the energy of Christ, of the Holy Spirit): the more we’re aware of the disproportion of our resources, the more we are aware that we need something greater than our than intentions and our goodwill, and for this reason there wells up inside us this cry to the Holy Spirit, that the energy of Christ may enter our life and open us to the grace the Lord wants to give us in these days.

How often we feel lost without knowing how to face certain things or how to live in the face of certain situations!”

It’s nearly the norm to be drifting. We drift from here to there. We drift in and out of discourse. It’s unsatisfying, yet we do so repeatedly. We all realize it’s no longer enough, It is not enough to merely make the motions. No matter what if you are following along, doing the right things, being the “good Christian” without love, without the acknowledgement of the vivifying Mystery, the individual fades away and dies. Our hope, the salvation of Christ, cannot be something we’ve read and know how to parrot back well.

A few weeks ago now I had the opportunity to help at a Youth Retreat, Of course you know it was Father’s Advent Retreat. While there I kept an open mind and tried to make my judgments more instantaneous. I had freshly read the pages 12, 13, 14 and 15 the lesson on Judgment. What most specifically struck me was the factual structure of our own humanity, that judgment; the judgment we make is NOT something added, but something that comes because of our being. This is where for me the pin unraveled the whole ball because I could see clearly that we need to have a personal experience; Having a true human experience, not just being emotional about things, not just trying, not just going through the motions, but actually making the judgment, every single time, regarding every single thing.

What I have deduced from reading and rereading this bit of text, then looking at my life is that to experience means to comprehend, to understand, means to ask questions, we must ask questions, then pursue the answers until we are satisfied, until a judgment is made. Good or bad, we must discover the purpose so we can continue on to the judgment. If you stop before judgment that would be artificial there for you COULD NOT pass or even accurately make the judgment. We need to experience to really live! This is not a forum people, we do not sit around contemplating whether this is good, or beautiful, of shameful, or hard, I am trying to grasp the truth of the matter right now because I know, I acknowledge the I.

On Page 13 three quarters of the way down Fr. Carron says it’s Loyalty to the experience, I agree. It’s the follow through. We don’t quit half way through, and I am talking in a millisecond here this judgment can be reached; I won’t turn my back in the middle and give up… that would be artificial. How could I make the judgment if I don’t understand the thing fully?!

Commit to Living, keep asking, satisfy your questions, there is more… I know I need to ask more. It comes back to awareness doesn’t it? We must beg, literally beg Christ to be present to us, we can start the motion, without the thing that comes before, with out understanding, judgment ultimately made without knowledge isn’t a true experience, we will end up like the old empty ones, that have lived the half lives. We must verify to live. Fr. Giussani says: the test of experience is that it makes us grow… Isn’t that what we are doing here? Growing in faith, companions on this journey together? This journey some call life??

Would I rather live in a reduced way? Drifting, uncertain, confused or in a superb state of bewilderness? OR do I demand the truth! Useless discourse, living the half life, in and out of enchantments (which with out a doubt happens to us all) will NEVER be enough for me. I must follow the method, in which brings forth within me a True Christian experience. Trust in God, Obedience to Christ, keeping fully aware. Communion and Liberation for me takes my faith to a tangible level. This method nourishes my soul. I need to have personal experiences. I recognize that…

 As Father Carron says, the confusion can be defeated… I agree.

[there is quite a bit more I wanted to say about this, but I realize this might not be exactly where you all are in the booklet, there is quite an important part about dualism, on Page 16.. then even more striking to me was the entire Summery.. But I guess as Father SPECIFICALLY requested this to be… “Not too long” I’ll end here.]

..rainy days..

Well I’ve not been in much of a literary mood as you can see from my lack of posts. I’m not exactly sure why other than that I have been really, really busy lately.

I have a bit slower of a schedule right now but to make up for that I have a very sick little girl at home and a sore back still! I do not recommend chiropractors. I feel worse right now and for much longer than I have ever before. On my lower left side I constantly have a pain, a throbbing pain that never seems to go away, It stabbing and burning at the same time if that’s possible! Well I could make it go away but I am not really all for taking Tylenol every single day as I am only 30! Maybe if it’s necessary in another 30 years but right now that’s not good.

Dd is home sick, this is her second day, I think it might be strep throat. She has been running a high fever for about 36 hours now. I feel so awful when my kids are sick. We have an appointment today this afternoon, hopefully the Dr will have something helpful to say.

Now that the retreat has come and gone, what a really great weekend that turned out to be, I can put my efforts back into my home. You know having the IL’s here living with us was supposed to lighten my burden not add too it. For a couple of weeks prior to the retreat I did minimal amounts of housework, everything was on a need – to basis, because I was out of the house nearly everyday doing this and that.

Well it appears from the housework I have done in the last two days that while I was busy they didn’t do anything around here either. I’ve crammed about two of weeks of mild chores into two days, and it shows.. My house is gleaming again, it feels great. I did a huge purge, I was relentless. I deep cleaned the kitchen, laundry room, my office, the kids rooms, the downstairs bathroom as well as our own master bath. I can’t believe the difference. It’s immaculate.

I am very disappointed to see the maga short cuts the IL’s have been taking. They really don’t care to do any of it, nor do they respect our things. I have many examples but the “what’s” are not important. I am just not sure what to do about it.

I don’t know, I’m not sure what to do.

We allow them full use of our home, full access to all groceries, I prepare dinner every night  finally I allow them my car, my fully gassed up car. It’s not totally about the money, I just want them to put some effort into living here. I am very close to asking  them not to use our main living room, the damage they are doing to the furniture is causing me grief now, and I just don’t really think that, that is very fair.

Same with the car, never do they put gas in, nor check the oil or even clean out their garbage. I have to accommodate their schedule constantly by using our truck, the one that is terrible on gas and they don’t even offer to -oh I don’t know pick up the kids or help with driving at all.

Dh is laid off work, he has been fairly sporadic for a few weeks now but officially yesterday he is done for the year around here. He is looking for another job right now but so is everyone else. He doesn’t have something concrete. Yet.

I am pretty meticulous about paying our bills, or I try my best, being that he is a seasonal worker, so I know where every cent is spent and on what. On average since the IL’s moved in our Grocery budget has been$ 700.00 higher than usual. That’s NUTS!! That’s including everything like laundry, cleaning supplies, bathroom supplies, all of it but still I think that’s unreasonably high. So yes I guess this rant is a little bit about money but when money is tighter I guess these things become important. I can help us scrimp but when two people out of the six of us are OVER indulging in everything it’s becomes quite a challenge..

I don’t know what to do yet. I think I need to put my foot down.

I am going to get back to my housework, I have a few more tasks I’d like to get done before it’s time for me to leave to Dd’s appointment. Isn’t this supposed to be blessed. I moved back up stairs even though Dh and I have been living separately in our home for quite some time to make room for the il’s, I thought it was a very good thing helping them out since they had no place to go and a brand new baby. My life is so hard, but sacrifice is good right? I wish I knew this was the right thing to be doing.

..can’t sleep..

Really it’s almost one am and I am still wide awake. Tomorrow is the Advent Retreat for my son’s Youth Group. I am going along to cook. I have been preparing for this for a few weeks actively and a few months inactively. I suspect that’s why I can’t sleep.

I haven’t been writing much lately I don’t know why but it’s harder than usual. My thoughts aren’t flowing. I think my environment is too crazy and becuase of that I can’t let go at all anymore.

You know I have been sleeping alot more than usual. So tired, when my head hits the pillow I am out. I guess just not tonight though..

5 minutes of writing = sleep is coming.

Well that worked like a charm, now I am tired.

I start basketball on Tuesday, that’s going to be fun. I am sure I’ll be nervous when it’s the actual day but for now one foot in front of the other and right now I am one footing it all the way to the retreat..

~Have a great weekend readers.