Today is Halloween and in true Halloween fashion my day so far has been frightful.
Even though, I must admit I am feeling pretty grateful for my friends. Life sure is different now. My options are bountiful. That’s reassuring.
This morning, I went running. I can’t tell you of a better way to start my weekend. I cherish these runs each and everyone of them. I get some down time, I’m working hard every second, it’s doesn’t cost anything there for I don’t owe anyone anything for them, and to finish we have coffee and chat about what ever in particular that might be on our minds.
There is no pressure, it’s just simple.
I have been feeling a tiny bit depressed lately. It’s hard living the way I do. I am so sensitive and the people that are supposed to look out for me, are usually against me.
Let’s talk about ideals.
When I was young, very young I had imagined that my life would be a certain way. I did alot of stupid things growing up, I got into many situations that were very unhealthy, but when I was facing the reality of starting life a new life that is, I rose to the challenge. I had my son, the year I finished high school. Dh and had only known each other for a year when we became parents. We did all the things we were supposed to to be ‘responsible’ we got married, bought a house, went to church, I did everything I could regardless of how ill prepared I was to become the Mother, the Wife, the Daughter in law, the ‘proper’ one.
I lived that way for many, many years. I lived blindly. I had such a tight grasp onto what I thought my life should be, that I didn’t look very close to see what it actually was. They say love is blind, but seriously in my case I think it was also deaf, and mute. I let my world happen. In return what did I get..
Well positively two beautiful children, who share my heart equally.
Negatively, mental illness, separation from most of my family members, daily abuses, isolation from any friends, broken trust, complete separation of heart and body, scars, and a very, very low self esteem.
You may be thinking, if it’s so terrible why don’t you just leave. You know I ask my self that daily. I’m scared to leave. And ideally, things will change and my life will be the way I always wanted it to be. If only I did this, or if only I did that..
I was talking to a friend earlier, and they reminded me that I have done this and in fact I have done that but still nothing was different. They also reminded me that I can not make someone else change in the same way that I would never have changed with out making the choice alone. Lastly they reminded me, that unless I want to martyr myself, this situation will not work.
I guess I needed to be reminded of that. It’s so easy to get lost especially in the face of this stress, MIL being here, (the MIL that strongly dislikes me and to whom I hold such a barrier of resentment) my IL’s and their baby that are living with us, the same IL’s that just borrowed over 3500 dollars off of Dh to pay of dangerous personal debt, also the same IL’s that are immature and flogged with so many lies and dramas that seem to make their way into this house weekly, the inconsistent job market that dh is always struggling against, the numerous daily demands that seem so intent on following me around everywhere I go.. I mean seriously I guess I do have a fair amount on my plate and throw in Dh for good measure who can be cold and cruel so intent on make me defend my every move.. It’s really no wonder I get fogged out, or I slide in the abyss or I look for things to placate myself.
I am a weak human, I am fragile I can’t do it forever. I need God and I need my friends. I used to think that was a bad trait, now I think it’s very important. Companions to journey with, to help us up when we stumble, to remind us where we wanted to go..
So I think, today the theme is abandonment. True abandonment, I must set aside the ideals that are in my life. I must be open to the reality and then look for the silver lining. God is merciful even with a poor sinner like me. He is pure love and always gives us hope.
Today the silver lining is my friends, that don’t require anything of me more than I can give. They just are.
Thanks be to God.
I am going downstairs to stir my chilly and make sure the finally preparations for Halloween are ready. The kids are super excited, I’m not but for them tonight I will put on my mask..
Have a safe and happy halloween~