..poverty of spirit..

It’s raining so very hard.

Last nights run was very satisfying. I ran without reservation, the pent up energy was finally expelled and it felt wonderful. I payed close attention to each of my muscles as I pushed myself harder and harder. It was a great run.

All night I’ve listened to the steady drum. I’m very confused right now. The drumming has been calming somewhat. I appreciate the rain as a creation from God. What else do I appreciate as a creation of God?

Yesterday, I had a quick chat with my SA. He gave me some food for thought, as he usually does. He told me to step back and look at the bigger picture. To be aware of my tendency to see only the thing that is exactly right in front of me.. Which is currently self gratification.

How did he know? He didn’t I am sure. This reminds me of something that I did  previously quote..

Coincidence is Gods way of remaining anonymous. ~ Albert Einstein.

Maybe the timing was important.

Well. Today is a new day. I haven’t made up my mind about anything. My life is seriously complicated right now. DH has told me he wants to leave. He doesn’t think there is anything left. He is truly that unhappy. I feel nothing right this second. The only feeling I had this morning was when Dd walked in to the room and hugged Dh. She is my reason for trying so hard. I’ve begged God to change my heart. Not that’s it’s His fault. I’ve begged him repeatedly to take away the other things too. I honestly, even though it was hard at first -repented. I prayed, honestly and earnestly.

And now what. That’s why I am confused.

Well, I have a busy day ahead. I am not going to Mass this morning, but I will be there for my hour of adoration. Then I am going to the school for a hunger walk. Then I think I will finish my bulletin..

I hope today is alright and that there is an abundance of peace. I have been working on humility for months. I want to remove my self for the desire to be loved. That inherently is what has me so continuously perplexed. I have such a  hard time trusting those closest to me, because actions and patterns are so prevalent. So that’s my focus.. Forget about my feelings or my wants.. and look the idea of true abandonment.

Today I will – no matter how desperately I do not want to do this, I will look at the bigger picture. I will pray for true poverty of spirit.

I guess this blog is a little bit depressing. Sorry.


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