..just a bad dream..

Oh my, I just had the most overwhelming nightmare. It was so real, that I am shaken. My heart is now just after about ten minutes returning to regular beat count. I was just so real, so relevant, so scary.

I dreamt that I was all alone. Dh has been giving me such a hard time lately that maybe subconsciously I have started to believe him.

I woke with this over whelming desire to go into a hospital, a mental hospital because that’s where I was suppose to be. Am I being brainwashed a little bit, I felt like I was all alone because since dh has been so hard on me lately I have been in a terrible mood. Intolerant, judgemental with my IL’s not loving or very kind. My one friend, well if you could call her a friend is so mad at me, telling me how selfish I am, just as Dh says, no matter what I say or do it’s getting me in trouble, I’ve been so focused on survival in this crazy circumstance that I’ve been isolating myself.

Systematically I’ve been cutting my self off from all the ties I worked to make last spring.

Going running yesterday, took great personal effort. I had to sacrifice some of my peace to make it, inviting the W’s for dinner, sacrificing my peace again, cooking, cleaning, having my old friend here.. All of this is getting me in trouble. Forget about a CL meeting, I’d never have heard the end of it. I am just incapable at the moment of doing the precise thing that will be ‘right’.

Dh has been threatening me, not just with his words but telling me stuff that is chipping away at my resolve. He has been saying that I’m ruining lives, the kids, his, his Mom’s. I’ve hurt her feelings so terribly this holiday, I am crumbling under the weight of it all. He said that there is something wring with me, which maybe there is. He is so mad at me. I just don’t know how else to describe it, he is sooo mad. Nothing I say or do can stop any of it. He is suffocating me with meanness. Somehow though he thinks it’s all my fault that I am deserving because my actions are causing his anger, because of all of my poor choices, and in turn his meanness is wearing me down so I am reacting poorly to everyone else.

That argument last week. Those two days, I admit I was struggling. I wasn’t sleeping, my hormones were all over the place.. I was trying my very best to stay on top of things, my judgements were poor, I really needed a friend in him. All I really needed was some tolerance or maybe a bit of reassurance, that yes in fact everything is going to be okay. Or if that is asking too much, than the approval that it’s okay to be stressed out now and again, girls have fluxes in hormones I can hardly control that. I can’t control PMS. What the heck. If I’m not sleeping, I feel terrible physically, I’m moody, I feel like crying all the time.. It’s kind of hard to live that way much less pretend none of that is happening and be extra on top of everything. What I needed then probably more than anything else was some peace and quiet, a nap and a hug. Simple fixes to life’s woes.

 He at first didn’t do anything wrong. OR wait did he? Oh man, maybe I am just tired and confused but I can’t remember. I think even before I said anything he was upset about this and that. The tension is unbearable these days. I can’t make a move without scrutiny. He is just unhappy about everything.

Anyways, that night. The night that I got mad at him, I was so depleted. I admit I reacted poorly. When he told me his Mom was coming- I didn’t want her to come. I shouldn’t have said a word. I ruined everything in under ten minutes.

This thanksgiving holiday has been so stressful for me, because he is hating me right now. When he is actively hating me I can’t breath. I feel like a prisoner of some insane physiological torture chamber. Hot and cold, fake is what it is. I should know better in front of our guests he is so nice, but them he turns his face and is so cruel.

Yesterday morning I was feeling so good. I was happy for the first time in weeks. I was surrounded by people that care about me, that think I’m smart and kind and truly do enjoy my company. I thought, thank you God for this moment. It made me happy. Simple. Then he called and i started to panic again. Like I was doing something wrong. I am happy on paper. What i mean is. Everything that I am doing should be filled with Joy. I am surrounded with my family, I’ve been cooking up a storm, I’m baking all the treats my family loves, my old friend who I’ll write more about later is here, she is so affirming to me, because she is the exact type of mom as I am, she was my first example, she taught me so many things.. She is about 9.5 years my senior so when met her six months pregnant with Ds she was my first example of a good mother and housewife. Even having her here now is great because she teaches me, she is such a positive example of truly giving everything to your vocation of motherhood. I love it. So I ‘should’ be happy, yet the happiness is colored by my self preservation. My constant worry that Dh is upset, it’s colored because i can’t relax..

I wish I didn’t say anything about my MIL. Or my BIL for that fact. I have apologised a million times. I feel terrible that because of my moment of anger I have single handed ruined his thanksgiving, his mothers and probably everyone else’s too. Stress and tension are obvious. It’s pretty sad when your nine year old says, “don’t worry Mom, don’t cry, daddy isn’t mad at you” What the heck. I was sad about that too. I never cry at home. Not anymore.  Stupid traitor tears, they just betrayed me in the worst moment.

Something I don’t understand. Dh is constantly telling my how I feel. I have apologised a bout a million times, even that very night, (that’s when I stopped talking and went into the laundry room, when he was yelling at me) I apologized right away. I was angry for less than ten minutes.

Is he capitalising on a moment of error. What I wonder is would he be mad at me no matter what I said? Maybe the stress from IL’s is getting to him so he is taking it out on me.

 He asked me yesterday if he should fear for the children’s lives? He asked if in a moment of weakness am I going to harm them. What kind of sick person am I? Just because I yelled at him, that I hate his family (not quite in those words, but basically that was the translation) at a moment of shear frustration. In a moment of I have had it up to here.. Again, I’m not making an excuse, but hormones people.. One person can only handle so much pressure. If he always know what I am feeling as he says, why didn’t he just ignore me, if he is incapable of being tolerant. It’s not like I didn’t tell him when he repeatedly asked me what my problem was. I said there is nothing, I am just moody.

He wants to leave me I think. I think he doesn’t love me at all anymore and is hating me with a passion, he is resentful of me and probably can barely stand me. I am too difficult to deal with and he is done. That’s what his actions are translating too.

That was my dream, that he was leaving me, taking my kids away, and since I have been so busy trying to make everything smooth around here, I had nobody to turn to and no place to go, I was insane and might as well not even be here. In the suicidal sense not in the sense that i need to move.

That’s why my pounding heart wouldn’t let me go back to sleep. It was so real. I felt, when I woke the sensation of slicing my wrists, what is that? I looked at the clock, because I was so sure it would have been 3 am. That’s the overwhelming realistic horror that I woke up too. True abandonment. By God, by my family, by my friends.

That was really harsh. Now that I have been writing awhile I have calmed. Logically, I know i am not alone. Looking only at facts, I know there are other people in my life that care about me. I can’t be as terrible as Dh thinks if there are other s that feel so differently. Is he wrong? Is he capitalising on a judgement error? Is he just needing a person to vent on?

I don’t know what to do? He is not doing well with BIL living here. Dh is miserable. That much is obvious.

 I am slow to anger, even when I say that I’m not all the time that’s not quite true because I can handle an incredible amount before I feel angry or react to being angry.

 But who’s suffering under this constant self protective mode that i am in? Maybe this dream was a bit of a warning. I’m not being a very nice person, I need to be more charitable. Maybe I can do more?

I’ll consider that today, and try harder.

Some silver lining. My house is stirring. I have been down here for quite some time, I have breakfast in the oven and the baby just woke up. She is such a blessing to me. My heart swells in her presence. I’m not her mother, but in the same way I love my children, I already love her. It’s just to nice to have her in the house. That’s some silver lining, and quite honesty I think she is a blessing.

One last thing, the boys that are here, great boys. Kind hearted, loving, mature, beautiful boys. The older of the two is Ds’s best friend in the world. They have been close since birth. For one thing, I looked after these boys since they were each born, so they are sort of like siblings to my kids.. I’ve missed them. Anyway my point here, is it’s so nice to see Ds so relaxed with T. They haven’t seen each other in months yet there is no pretence, no superficiality.. they are brothers from another mother.. as they say.. LOL and they really love each other..

I better stop writing now.. I feel better actually. That was a terrible dream, but I can see it was only a nightmare.. I’m not going anywhere of my own accord.

~ Happy Thanksgiving~

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