Okay I guess you could say I had indeed been thrown a life preserver yesterday..

I had three hard looks at myself from three very different perspectives. I need to put aside my hurt feelings with dh or my annoyances with my family and get back to loving them. (with all their faults) It’s not because I expect something to be given in return, it never was so why did I get so hung up on that recently.. I don’t know.

So here it is folks, I’m not perfect  nor have claimed that I was.. so I guess this was me stumbling again. (yes another fall, at least this one was in a bit different direction that the usual path I take)

I will try to be more charitable, in my life.. with everyone in it.

Love is the greatest gift God has given, it’s everything. Love is free. Love can be given to any person any place in the world at any time. It’s my choice whether I give it or not.. But when I do regardless of the benefit, it makes me feel happy. And that’s the point.

I went to my priest today to verify this train of thought.

This is what I asked him:

Father, could you tell me again what exactly you said about charity. You know about what it is to us, and why we do it.
I’m asking because I think that is essentially part of the problem for me. Seriously, I’ve been a little miserable and all my encounters have been colored with such a negativity.. I know because I have been here before that being open, more loving, more charitable can change the direction of everything.
This is true for me. I think charity is the key, the thing that had gotten lost to me recently. I noticed that I have been negatively anticipating many things, not only negatively anticipating but closing off the encounters with my own unsatisfied disillusioned reason.. It was all about me again, what am I doing this for, what do I get out of it, how much effort am I putting in.. then comparing all of that against those around me. That is the most cynical life..
Cynicism.. it’s the death of humanity.
No matter the reason, I have a choice. I can look at my life, my friends, my family, my vocation even with love or I can become that person, that person that only does something for something.. I am NOT that person. So in closing it all comes back to charity doesn’t it.
So please tell me again. I want to know the exact thing, and It’s important to me to remember and keep that particular truth in the forefront of my mind.

 I was sort of wondering whether or not that this could cause me harm. You know that is a strange thing to think but what I wondered from a purely spiritual standpoint, loving is the best we can do. So the answer- spiritually, no harm will come. I wanted that verification I guess. That despite my reality, I am doing the right thing.

Anyway. That’s where I am. I will be open, I will be expectant only in relation to God. I will squish back my idols and beg for mercy. I am your servant Lord.. Thank you for not abandoning me.


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