Oh who am I kidding, I’m still not okay.
I just can’t seem to locate the land mass. I am drowning over here. Please God send me a life preserver.
I don’t know what to do, you know to fix everything, or if not everything than at least some things.
It’s hard times around here. Dh strongly dislikes me, I’m getting a mega freeze out at the moment. I feel like my feet must be sliced up to sheds from walking on so many egg shells. My kids are okay but I feel like I am working in over drive to maintain stability. The IL’s are a larger burden to carry than I had ever anticipated.
Lets talk about that for a moment.
Now that I am getting to know them, I have found they came here under very false pretences. If this was a marriage.. I could get it annulled for sure. They are untrustworthy and really just what I need in my life more people I can’t trust.
I feel like I am on my guard ALL THE TIME. Before when Dh was away I at least could have a break from his over baring way, you know. Now it’s like there is no break, ever. I am carrying twice the work load now. I am complaining yes, I am not complaining about the amount of work. I am a hard worker, I like it even but it’s just that when I am working hard and scrambling to keep everyone in check and then I have two capable adults that are literally working against me.. What am I supposed to do? I feel breathless. This environment is making me nuts.. not just the regular amount of nuts that I usually am but really nuts.. like probably needs medication nuts.
I have a really hard time telling people no. It’s doesn’t feel good and it’s hard. Recently I said no, when I could probably have said yes and if the same situation arrived a month ago I most like would have said yes.. but two days ago I said no. Here is where I am struggling. ENTER: GUILT.
I have always been very generous with my time because I had lots of it to give. So now what I wonder is what should I do? Now giving my time is quite a large sacrifice and it’s causing alot of contention in my family. I have narrowed down what I ‘do’.
I volunteer at:
The kids school – which is the Hot Lunch program
Our Church – Mostly chaperoning the activities my children are involved in anyhow.
Visiting – This is something I am getting paid to do now, well not technically it’s been implied but I haven’t seen the fruits yet. On that note, I don’t really care if I don’t get paid because I don’t really have the time to spend over there that I used to.
That’s about it I think. That’s not a very large amount.
I do about two things, I attend Mass regularly and I run.
I don’t spend very much time with people otherwise.
I have recently been grouched out over that very thing. Someone told me that I am not a very good friend because I am never available to be ‘friends’. She was mad at me because she did not believe that I was too busy to have coffee with her. I apologised for hurting her feelings, and said it wasn’t personal but not much could change at the moment.
She was really mad that I was so busy lately, I think she doesn’t believe me either -that I am in fact busy. That was the first thing I was grouched at for the second was the fact that I am not allowing my nine year old daughter go on a two day camping trip alone. I think I mentioned that DD is in girl guides, well I don’t know any of the parents yet.. so I am cautious. Her camping trip is the exact same weekend as Ds’s youth retreat which I committed myself to months ago. Otherwise I certainly would have volunteered to help at her camping weekend. My friend is mad because she said that her daughter won’t go if mine won’t and she says that it’s basically ignorant of me to not trust these woman in charge.
Whatever is that, I am cautious with the place and people my children associate with, and that makes me ignorant!!!
Then to top it all off she basically called me a hypocrite, because I spend all day in church and then am the most selfish person. Some one who is supposed to be so “churchy’ as she puts it shouldn’t be such a selfish friend. No need to hide though.
My feelings were hurt, but no worse than anything Dh can dish out.
I woke up pretty early today, did some housework, did most of my morning routine before my kids even got up.. I had groceries to do today which I did, and after I was done I went to the church to pray. Yes I did folks. Pretty selfish of me I guess. I laid it all out there for God to help me sort through. I left in a better frame of mind than I came in with.
Do you want to know where I went next? My ‘friends’ store. I didn’t like what she said yesterday, so I went to try and rectofy things a little bit. We talked- she went on about my selfishness for awhile and told me some other stuff that wasn’t nice about some other people and when I didn’t respond she asked me why so I told her that rather than say mean things, I’d better just say nothing. I asked her then why she cares so much about the affairs of others anyway? Why not just worry about what’s in front of her, since no good will come for all that worry anyway. I told her about tolerance. It was a very pot calling the kettle black moment.. but it felt like it was the right thing to say. She get so frustrated by the things other people are doing that she absolutely does not see how she her self is behaving. I know I am guilty of that too sometimes. Anyway I told her in those moments to offer up her annoyances, and turn something frustration and bad into something useful and good. She then went on to say that doesn’t work for her, but at least I said it. Maybe the next time she is in that situation the seed will crack.
She told it to me straight. We talked about a few other things and well I think I left on a better note than I arrived in. That’s the point right, we are supposed to leave people better off than we originally encountered them.
So after that, my head was hurting and I came home unloaded my groceries, made dinner, did some laundry and payed a few bills. Now I am here and have finally run out of steam.
Stress. I don’t like it.
Next is parent teacher interviews, then a run,then dinner, then football and then my clients. They called me to come today, so I said I could be there after six. I don’t know what kind of mess they are in but they said it was urgent.
I know Dh will have a problem with this, but really what can I do??
I do not pray for an easy life Lord, I am however begging for the strength to endure what ever comes my way..