..waiting to exhale..

Disclaimer – Warning what you are about to read will most likely leave you in a heightened state of dullness, with a slight edge of irritation. The following post may contain graphic and highly colorfully, expressive, exacerbated dialogue, no wait a highly exacerbated monologue..  This is one sided after all. This may be the rant of all rants..

Please proceed with caution.

stress_city

Hanging by a wire.

That is most certainly me. I am feeling both angry and hurt at the exact same time. I am irrational at the moment, a fact that I am absolutely aware of. I’m riding the storm. Part of me is grasping the edge of the craft white knuckle tight, yelling and screaming enthralled with the ride and the exact other half of me is fighting the temptation to pitch myself over board and swim with the fishes.

It’s the culmination of an environment so completely out of control, a impending visit with MIL, a BIL that is grating on every-last one of my nerves and a Dh that to my very best effort to love is still being a jerk! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Okay that felt mildly like I just yelled. I maybe should have typed the entire thing in CAPS.. LOL. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I don’t know, I guess I have been treading water a bit lately. I mean really why do so many people drown, really, you can only tread for so long before you get tired and when you get tired your survival instincts kick in but still, that too can only last for so long, with out a well timed rescue.. your fate is sealed. As was mine two nights ago.. that tiny thread holding me as I dangled at the edge of the abyss – broke. And as I tumbled down I took as many innocent bystanders with me as I could collect. Before you judge me, I guess practically speaking the bystanders were not innocent, they were very precise targets, it’s just that most of the time I am more- give a look that could kill all the while smiling so sweetly. I am definitely passive aggressive. I don’t like to make trouble and directly speaking my mind I find quite difficult. It takes A LOT of buttons to be pushed before I actually lose it and even then environmental factors must be accounted for because under regular circumstances, still I don’t slip.. But alas the moon must have been in the right alignment, my mood was just so and when I went down.. so did they!

Okay that wasn’t very nice. I have apologised. I think it was a little bit unexpected coming from me, not the apology but the unexpected take down. Again though, to make an excuse for myself I had been seriously obliging, to everyone about everything for weeks prior. What do these people expect? I can be tolerant, I do try to be tolerant.. but I am weak, as weak as any other 30 year old stay at home mother, with an ignorant husband and lazy house mates. I only have two children, they are the only children I wish to take care of. I don’t enjoy taking care of the ‘adult’ children at all.

I have nothing nice to say at the moment so be warned if I don’t at least type this out then I may in-fact implode. You many wish to stop reading right here.

This rant is so premeditated, it feels wrong. I feel wrong in writing mean spirited things, even though none of my RL peoples are going to read it, I am starting to feel guilty. What is wrong with me??? I can’t even get a decent rant out before I loose steam and fizzle out.

What a waste of time. I am going to go and do some laundry. I am sure I can’t harm anyone while doing that.

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One thought on “..waiting to exhale..

  1. Your blog was a suggested “related” blog to my blog that I just posted. (I really just said blog 3 times in that one sentence…wow.) So, I decided to read it. You know what I found? Someone who sounds an awful lot like myself. Minus the kids. I don’t have those.

    What does sound like me though is the passive-aggressive behavior and the self guilt that you feel. I want to tell you that you aren’t alone. I am the exact same way. I actually wrote about the guilt I feel towards myself in my last post. I never realized though that I exhibit the passive-aggressive behavior so I thank you for allowing me to discover that part of myself.

    I hope that things are better for you since this post was written in October. I’m going to try to follow your blog, but I really have no clue as to how to do that. I’m going to try though!! :]

    M

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