I think I feel a little bit better now. I’ve spent the last several hours, scrubbing, folding, and arranging. My resolve has been restored to a much more manageable place. I am not that mean person that yells and is mad all the time. I won’t be that person that puts up a fight. I want to bring peace, not war.
Last night as I was standing in my laundry room being screamed at, at top volume – I think for speaking my mind two days in a row. I lost my way a little bit.
The first night I got upset about my BIL not trying very hard in the tasks he does in our home. I am very independent, I am perfectly capable of doing all the jobs of which I am required by myself. I am not saying that in a prideful way, more of a matter of a fact, I don’t care I’ll just do it way. So when he volunteers, then only does half the job and doesn’t care at all, I’m sorry but yes that irritates me. Just don’t volunteer if you don’t want to help. I don’t mind. Secondly, I was mad at Ds for being very rude to me. I took his phone and Internet privileges. I did get angry, I didn’t yell, I just had, had enough. That night dh got on my case in front of everyone. I was embarrassed. He was saying that I always wait too long to react, which is a contradiction coming from him because he doesn’t like it when I react at all.
Anyway that night I smoothed it over and carried on with my tasks, I still wasn’t feeling well physically and really just wanted to get to bed. That’s were my focus was.
Yesterday was more of the same. Dh wasn’t very nice to me yesterday, but whatever I managed. I am usually quite busy on Mondays so I had lots of distractions. Yesterday I was more tired than I was the previous day, I’m still not feeling all that well. It’s a sleep issue I think.
Yesterday I worked diligently most of the day and after diner I commented to Dh that on this particular day I’d like nothing better then for my bed time to come swiftly. Regardless of how I felt I still had a bit of stuff to do in the evening. Dd had girl guides last night, and BIL had a night class, after I dropped them both off I came back home to clean the kitchen from dinner. I casually asked Dh when his mother was coming, she was supposed to be coming tomorrow(wed) for a night. I wanted to know when exactly.
This when last night took a turn for the worse. He told me she is now coming for thanksgiving. I didn’t react very coolly I’m afraid…
My friend and her two boys are staying with us that weekend. I haven’t seen them in nearly ten months. (They live quite far away.) We had previously talked about Dh’s mother wanting to come, and agreed that if my friend was going to be here, she would not come too. A few weeks ago MIL specifically told me not to expect her for thanksgiving, because she had other plans. That’s essentially why I said yes to my friend. My own mother, not that she would ever come here for a holiday is in Ont. right now, so I thought our family obligations were filled.
I talked to one of my other SIL’s on Wed. She told me that she and her husband invited MIL for dinner and MIL declined them. So it’s not like she didn’t have anywhere to go.
Okay, if you have read this blog for awhile you know I have issue with MIL. Usually I concede, last night I was so tired, emotional, stressed that when I got the news I was mad. I told DH that I didn’t want her to come, as we had just seen her a couple of weeks ago, and that we do not have to spent every bit of free time we get with her. About 5 minutes after I said that, I stopped talking. I was WAY to tired to have it out with him.
I went into the laundry room to fold a load of clothes. I let him yell for awhile and then when he was requesting answers where clearly there would be no correct answer that I could give, I told him I’d rather not talk to him at all. I kept quiet for a few more minutes until he actually threatened me.
He did, I couldn’t believe it and I was hurt instantly(my feelings). I did some very fervent praying, The Memorare came into my heart and I am was able to give him the answers as humbly as he wanted them.
That got him to leave and I burst into tears. It really wasn’t a pleasant evening for me. I cried for a few minutes, I’m not sure what the tears were, relief or crushing sadness that yes, this is in fact my life.
I was reminded of something I read recently by St Francis de Sales;
“Everlasting God has in his wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that he now presents to you as a gift from his inmost heart.
This cross he now sends you he has considered with his all-knowing eyes, understood with his divine mind, tested with his wise justice, warmed with loving arms, and weighed with his own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you.
He has blessed it with his holy name, anointed it with his consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.”
I don’t know I just felt consoled for somewhere inside. It made things very present.
I guess I better go, I have to pick up my children from school. Dh will be here when I get home.
Pray for me, that I am strong enough to endure what I must and that my heart may be so filled with love that it pours forth onto those near me.