blah, blah, blah

Now what? Weekend is over, time to get back to it. Why do I feel so defeated? Um maybe because I am. That’s such a bad attitude. Maybe a better out look would be, time to regroup. You know cut losses, treat the wounded, fall back and get ready to move on. Maybe it would be in my best interest to move on. Simplify, yet again. It’s such a constant struggle for me. The rosary fruits on a Monday seem especially significant.. Humility – Love of Neighbor – Poverty of Spirit – Purity of mind and body – Obedience All of which are pertinent to me in my life right now. For the longest time I have been focusing on the Luminous Mysteries, but now it seems The joyful will be where my heart leads. I am such an insignificant creature. We all are. I don’t know what chance I have in this fight. But like St. Paul says, I have fought a good fight: I have finished my course: I have kept the faith. That’s it. I will fight, I will continue on my course, and I will keep faith. Yesterday was alright, the arguing didn’t cease. But my will having weakened over the weekend, quieted and that in turn abated dh somewhat. I’m sad to say, the joy was really removed from most of my activities. I saw it, as a witness to the sour state I was in but really what am I to do? I ran, during the run, I did feel good, but the aftermath was so terrible that it diminished the quality of my enjoyment, the stress relief was not there. That night was CL. For once I actually regretted going. I tried with my heart to stay in the moment, but I had a very hard time keeping up. My head was splitting, and the texts where beyond my grasp. I don’t know why? Possibly that was due to my headache, or possibly that was due to my level of stress being so high. I don’t know. I was getting a ride home that night so it was not even like I could have slipped out early. I wasn’t foul on the outside, the mask is always at my finger tips, but I was struggling to be there for sure. Then that’s what lead to the biggest argument of the weekend. I walked in the door at 9 05 and that lead to WW3. I was pretty much done by then. I didn’t fight back, I just listened and tried to be somewhere else, the pain inadvertently helped with that. My head was screaming and focusing on that helped block out the rest. Too much talking. I at least had a bed to my self, Dd was on a sleep over that night, so I had the whole bed to myself. When I woke in the morning, I just rolled over and went back to sleep at least for a little while. Sunday, I watched Ds play football. He did great again, I shot the game this time. I didn’t feel required to stand near DH, he didn’t want me around either I am sure so I tried to enjoy the peace and the warmth of the sun. Halfway through the game I had to go pick up Dd, she went to Mass with her little friends. So cute. I missed her. Then we went back to the field, that was the end though, Ds’s game was over when I got there. We went home afterwards and when the kids were in the house getting changed, I listened again. That whole time. He really has gone off this weekend. I am sorry for him, living with this much anger. How so very depleting. We did a few more typical Sunday things. My heart wasn’t into it. Finally after he started again, I gave up. I asked him what he would like me to to cause I’ll just do it if he will just stop. I don’t care anymore. I feel so tired I am just giving in. I can be very subservient. I am good at it. If that means he’ll leave me alone I can be quiet and do exactly as he says. I don’t agree to everything because I don’t respect him at all and I don’t love him. But if that will calm the place down.. I’m okay with it. I hope and pray that I can manage, all the things I must today. I am not exactly sure how I got here. How did I lose so much ground? Time to go to work, and by work I mean life.. it goes on.

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