..duck and cover..

That’s what I am going to do. Or maybe I’ll just leave. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt the need to leave. We were doing okay for quite some time, but apparently not any more.. The friendship and mutual respect has all but flow out the window.

I went running this morning, it was hard, grueling and very, very satisfying. I payed close attention to my body, pushing harder than usual and we did our usual 8k in about 45 min. That’s my best time yet. After wards we went to SB and I had a chai tea.. Mmmmm! That’s my favorite fall drink.

I got a call early today, he was checking on me. He said a few choice things and then hung up. It wasn’t very pleasant. It reminded me of the old way. I didn’t leave though, why should I? I work hard all week, I was really looking forward to this. I don’t do much of anything purely for myself, but this is one thing.. I just don’t want to give it up. I gain so much strength from these runs, it helps me cope with everything. It has kind of replaced my ‘talks’ but now I don’t talk at all, I just push and push and run and run.. and all the anxiety melts away and I feel renewed.

It’s not the running or the company anyways, when he is in this kind of mood, it wouldn’t matter if I was having tea with the queen, he’d have a problem with me doing it.

What can I do, for now I’ll brace myself, and wait out the storm. I called him when I got home to say I was at home.. He was very juvenile in his comments ad then he yelled alot, and then he hung up and now I am here.. Writing. Typing out my frustrations to a faceless world of readers.

The thing I have learned though, I can’t completely back down to him, I have to hold my ground at least a little bit because when I give an inch he WILL take a mile. So that doesn’t help me at all either.

I was a little bit embarrassed this morning though because my fellows heard the phone conversation, that was the first time for them. I felt saddened that they had to find out at all. I don’t really like anyone to know I live this way but on the other hand, why should I protect him? Dh is wrong, what he does isn’t nice and he shouldn’t do it. Why do I protect him so much?

Anyway I am going to CL tonight. I decided that when he was yelling at me just now. It would be nice if everyone was there.. tonight.. we’ll see I guess.

I am struggling with self doubts, he always know just what to say to make me falter.. I don’t want to be arrogant, or what ever.. I just want to be.. me. Simple, quiet, straightforward. Happy?

Okay I am going to jump in the shower, I guess I’ll be doing some housework today.. Not that I mind, I like a sparkly house 🙂

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