Do you ever get the feeling that things are happening that you are only a very small part in? The the big wheel is turning and you are merely along for the for the ride, or more that you are an instrument, like cog in the wheel that is part of the process. Essential yet not in control so to speak.
That’s how I feel today.
I have concluded that my family is insane. They love drama, way, way, way too much. I think I may end up with a permanent headache if something doesn’t change. I am not looking forward to this weekend visit to CR. I need a little vacation from the circus. Remember that mountain cave? That is my ideal destination at the moment.
Yesterday, something else happened with BIL and SIL. Ive never met two more complicated people, they are nearly worse than MIL with the drama. Everyday it’s something else. What I deal with with Dh is a very small portion compared to what is swirling around them.
I have once again realized after the fact that I am incredibly naive. I take what people say at face value. Why shouldn’t I right. When grown ups are talking, you wouldn’t expect every second word to come out of there mouths to be lies, what kind of people do that? IL people I guess, because that about what they have been doing. About every other thing.
I honestly don’t care much about where they have been, what got them into trouble, and what there problems are. I opened my home because I thought they wanted to move forward, to change for the better obviously, to get on their feet so they could manage to raise there daughter with out the debt that’s hanging over there heads at the moment.
I’m not going to judge, what they do is between themselves and God. I told them that from the get go. I told them I can help in all the ways I can, I may not be an educated woman, I may not be worldly in the ways that seem to count, but I can teach good home management, and good mothering.. I can help them get out of debt, and help them get back on there feet. That all. Simple right.
What I ask in return is as they are living here to help with there share of the housework, I am not the maid, I don’t expect to cater to them hand and foot. If you want to live in this house then working everyday is a must. Nobody in this house gets something for nothing. Nobody, not even my children. The value of hard work, is paramount. Doing a job well, anticipating needs of your family, always trying that little bit extra to strive forward, that what I teach.
I know I am struggling with Ds at he moment, but he is 11. I feel like, and this is extremely harsh, but it feels like the IL’s have the very same mentality as Ds. Always scamming, always trying to do the least amount of work for the maximum gain, only this I wouldn’t even put on my 11 year old because he has better sense. But the BIL lies alot, to everyone, about money mostly, he has gotten into trouble stealing and as of yesterday we have realized there is a gambling problem involved. I think he is so completely lost, that he can’t see his way out. Yesterday he left for school, and didn’t shut of his email account. Ds is grounded from all media thank goodness, other wise it would have been him to find this open and not dh. When dh got home, he went to do his paper work and what he found was very harsh. There were email form everything from debt collectors to call girls. Right there open for everyone to see.
I am as generous as I can be, with everything I’ve got but If I think my children are compromised.. well I am sorry but they come first. I don’t get outwardly angry very much but yesterday I did. Not just a little either a lot.
There is so much more to this than I am willing to write here, but to the bottom line is I just don’t know anymore. The wool has been removed from my eyes and I am starting to falter in my decision. How can I help someone that doesn’t want to be helped and apparently has very little respect for anything, not his own family, not mine, not my home, and especially not for himself. I think only God can help him.
After my prayers last night, that was what I was thinking. I was so angry when I began, but then as I was reading the psalms I quieted down and felt another direction might be more effective. I think only God can save him now. But not in a miracle sort of way but a proactive he has to trust God and repent sort of way.
I will continue to pray about it, for now I’ve asked them to keep there distance from my children. I’ve asked them not to interfere in anyway and to use there due diligence in holding up there part in our home life. For now we are to be two families under the same roof, not one big family.
We are heading to CR this afternoon.
Lord increase my strength so that I might carry my burdens well. I do not pray to have an easy life, but to have the strength to face what challenges come my way…
** Oh by the way. I did end up talking to M yesterday. I decided if it were me, I would want to know. We should always treat others the way we wish to be treated, so I did. We talked and she was glad I told her. It was a bit of a shock I think, but she handled it very well. This next chapter in our boys lives is certainly a scary one.. I admit I am nervous about the ‘teen’ years. Oh well, best foot forward.. onward march.